Democracy Manifest! The Great Sing Along Election

It’s genius.  There’s simply no other word that comes close to describing it.  To dissolve parliament and submit your fate to the will of the people is one thing.  To deliberately go out of your way to ensure that a Federal election occurs simultaneously with the finals of the Eurovision song contest is nothing short of totally brilliant.  Frankly, it’s been long overdue.

It was only a matter of time before they were brought together.  Whilst each event is great on its own, combined they’ll be unstoppable.  Eurovision is a splendid thing.  But if there’s one thing it lacks, it’s this: sausages.  You can’t tell me that the latest power ballad from Lithuania wouldn’t be vastly improved with a snag in bread.  Our electoral traditions will take Eurovision to the next level.  I’m not sure what that level is called but it’s probably somewhere between ‘awesome’ and ‘magic’.  Similarly, Eurovision will make our democracy stronger by introducing some much-needed pizzazz.

Election time is such a special time.  Already, I’ve seen my local Member of Parliament for the first time in three years (hooray!). Doubtless, that’s because he’s incredibly busy and, well, truth be told he lives somewhere other than the electorate he’s paid to represent.  By which I don’t mean that he’s slightly outside it because of a quirk of redistribution but, rather, that he chooses to live somewhere entirely different.  Nevertheless, it’s lovely when he visits.  

I spotted my local Parliamentarian whilst I was out running.  He was standing talking to local residents whilst dressed head to toe in cycling lycra.  I have to be honest and say that he looked terrific.  There was not a trace of sweat or a hair out of place. As I drew closer, I was caught up in the tractor-beam of his cologne.  I’m embarrassed to say it, but the man smelled like nothing else I’d ever smelled before in my life.  Like a cross between fresh cut flowers and freshly baked biscuits. It was intoxicating.

Rendered incapable of speech by his magnificent aftershave, I could only slow to a crawl and watch on as he weaved his magic.  He was chatting to a group of men who were also dressed in lycra.  It then dawned on me that my local member of Parliament seemed to be the only person dressed in lycra but not in possession of an actual bike.  If not dressed for cycling, he was meeting (if not exceeding) the dress code for Eurovision, where bike shorts without a bike is totally acceptable.  Granted, to get the full Eurovision effect, it’d be better if he was also crumping whilst belting out some kind of banger, but you can’t have everything. 

Whilst it’s wonderful that our election and Eurovision are occurring at the same time, that’s not enough.  To get the full benefits of synchronicity, they ought to be combined into a single event.  The vote for our nation’s parliament should only take place after a full gala performance from aspirant candidates.  Major policy announcements shouldn’t occur on random building sites by people in hi-vis.  No, sir.  They should occur on a stage, in song and with dancers, feathers and sequins. I, for one, am looking forward to the power ballad on franking credits, to say nothing of the full-on rave-up banger about childcare subsidies.

With Eurovision and our election now a full-blended event, expect candidates to wear a lot more white.  And don’t be surprised if, mid sentence, an aspiring politician reaches up and pulls down an invisible object from the sky (it’s a compulsory move at Eurovision).  Granted, there will be missteps – catastrophic miscalculations that rather than attracting voters will, instead, send them scurrying to the hills. It’s not hard to imagine some of the minor parties giving performances that don’t so much divide audiences as they do usher them out the door for their own safety.  But, overall, it’ll be a good thing.  When we’re not busy using our hands to cover our ears, we might just be tapping our toes…

Consider this – tight races could be resolved with a sing-off.  Or even a rap battle. It’ll be a vast improvement on the traditional election debates.  Instead of ‘the worm’ purporting to tell us whom the audience likes, politicians can, instead, perform ‘the worm’ as part of their act.  It’ll be great.

And whilst I’m looking forward to the performances from our elected leaders and those who would challenge them, I can’t wait for the commentary.  The only way to improve Antony Green would be to throw some Terry Wogan into the mix.  Granted, Terry’s moved on to the great Eurovision in the sky, but I really don’t consider that an impediment.

Buckle up.  The next few weeks will be an all-singing, all-dancing calamity from which a winner will eventually emerge, reflecting the will of the people. To say nothing of Eurovision. But I’m glad that these two events are finally coming together.  If nothing else, it adds momentum to my push for a thirty metre statue of Mr. Eurovision, Johnny Logan, on top of Oliver’s Hill.  Let the music begin!