The Adventures of Captain Asparagus and Squash Boy

The Adventures of Captain Asparagus and Squash Boy


This is the story of Captain Asparagus

Friend to the fruits and the beets and the cabbages

Who upholds the peace and who upholds the law

The greatest superhero in the vegetable drawer

He’s green and he’s tall and he’s very heroic

In the cold face of fear he’s strong and he’s stoic

To any bad fruit he says See you later,

The Captain fights crime in the refrigerator


Whatever the problem, he’s up to the task

Dressed for success in a cape and a mask

His head always high, a smile on his lips

Standing astride with his hands on his hips

He defends the sick and supports the sad

From a green esca-pea or good apple turned bad

But in spite of success, he felt unfulfilled

It was no longer enough to be crispy and chilled

Because things could be lonely for Captain Asparagus

As he battled the creeps, the kooks and the savages

And before you could get to the end of this sentence

He decided that he needed to find an apprentice


Word soon traveled out to the brothers and sisters

From the freezer up top right down to the crisper

Everyone lining up had a single ambition

– They hoped above hope to pass the audition

Carrots, celery, artichoke, rocket

From the hinge of the fridge right down to the socket

But none of them seemed to quite fit the bill

And the Captain resigned to keep searching still

The Captain then sighed and said – No one seems right

I’ve seen so many people I’m losing my sight.

I need a pal, a buddy, I want a compadre

A need a boy wonder to my kemosabe


Perhaps I can help? came a voice from behind

The Captain turned round, only to find

A tiny pipsqueak who looked shrunk from the wash

A small yellow fellow, nothing more than a squash.

It’s a squash! cried the Captain, his face screwing up.

You’re no more than a child, you’re no more than a pup.

– Silence! commanded the squash as he stood.

I may be small but I’m committed to good.

And I will not rest and I will not fail,

Until evil is smote and goodness prevails.


The Captain was shocked and sat up in surprise

At the steely hard look in the young squash’s eyes

In that case, he said. We shall not be coy.

From this day forth you’ll be known as Squash Boy.

You’ll defend every cheese, every bean, every grape,

Whenever you’re wearing your mask and your cape.

I’ll not let you down, said the squash as he grinned

He put on his mask, saying, Now let’s begin.


And so came a time of unheard of stability

As the Captain and Squash Boy used all their ability

To ensure that any malfeasance would cease

And that all those who lived in the fridge lived in peace.


Then, one morning, as the fridge was still sleeping

There was heard a slight rattle, followed by creaking

It was clear that this was no ordinary day

As the entire front side of the world peeled away

And out of the mass of intensified light

Came a hideous beast, such a hideous sight


It was hairless and headless and had five long necks

That reached into the fridge without fear or respect

The creature seemed intent on helping itself

As it preyed on the contents of shelf after shelf

Look out! It’s coming, cried Cameron the Carrot

Squawking and squeaking, sounding just like a parrot

Becky the Bean could not look any longer

As the creature drew close until it drew up along her

And just as it seemed that all hope was lost

And Becky would bear the most terrible cost

There came a blood-curdling cry from way up on high

As the Captain prepared himself to reply

Hey you there! Hey creature! Enough is enough

And to get its attention, flicked the lights on and off


Why don’t you try stalking an asparagus spear?

And when you do that, you’ll be out on your ear,

Or you would if you had some, you bad bald-faced freak!

Come do your worst if you’ve still got the cheek!


The vile creature paused and then started to rise

Which caught Captain Asparagus a bit by surprise

I think he heard me! Despite not having ears.

Squash Boy? – Oh Captain my Captain, I’m here!

Squash Boy stood astride a huge Champagne bottle

As he loosened the wire to give it full throttle

Captain Asparagus said, Have you gone berserk?

Do really think launching your self’s going to work?

– Now’s not the time to be faint of heart!

Said his loyal sidekick as he prepared to depart

It’s time for action, because there’s been enough talk

So make yourself useful and loosen this cork.


As the creature closed in, our heroes prepared

To send the young Squash Boy flying into the air

Good luck old pal! the Captain did say

Good luck to you because I’ll be okay,

Said the squash as the cork finally gave way

Taking Squash Boy along with the cool champagne spray

The explosion frightened the creature, alright

As Squash Boy flew off and into the light

Squash Boy! Come back! cried the Captain in vain.

Squash boy? he whimpered again and again


The creature was angry and took the bottle away

With such brutal force it made the shelf sway.

I cannot hang on! said a Tomato named Thomas

If I should fall, will you make me this promise?

– Anything Tom, said the Captain, Just say.

– Thank Squash boy for driving the creature away.

And with that, poor Thomas fell from the shelf

And the good Captain winced at the sound of a squelch

Poor Thomas, he said. And my faithful boy wonder.

I feel so torn up that I’m ready to chunder.


As they all gathered round with nothing to say

The Captain stood up and said, Lettuce pray.

Lawrence the Lettuce bowed his gigantic head

An offered a short quiet thought for the dead.

From this moment on, swore Captain Asparagus,

I’ll suffer no pain, I’ll ignore the ravages.

And even if I’m forced to go it alone,

I’ll go and find Squash Boy and I’ll bring him home.

There followed a silence, a momentary pause

Until everyone burst into tears and applause


While those around him were still drying their eyes

The Captain prepared and packed his supplies

If I don’t return, remember me please

As one who stood up for all fruit and cheese

Who fought for the former and defended the latter

As someone who believed that vegetable matters

The Captain prised open the giant fridge door

And ever so gently dropped himself to the floor

With his mouth hanging wide just like a tortoise

He gasped at a world so absolutely ginormous

I’m shocked, I’m stunned, I’m conflabulated

That a world such as this was ever created.


The Captain crept quietly with maximum stealth

Till he reached the bottom rung of a shelf

He climbed and he climbed until he just had to stop

Because the good Captain had climbed to the top

And when he got there, the Captain was speechless

It was there he found Squash Boy sliced up into pieces

Oh Squash Boy! he said, as he burst into tears

Which is unheard of for an asparagus spear

Don’t cry, came a voice, Don’t cry please

The Captain turned around and got up off his knees

He almost forgot what he was weeping about

As he saw before him a green brussell sprout

I’m Captain Asparagus, Ma’am, How do you do?

– Not so well, and it’s Ms Brussell to you.

– Ms Brussell, I ask you whatever’s the worry?

There’s no need for fear, there’s no need to be sorry.

– Well I do not know if you have noticed or not,

But you’re standing beside a gigantic pot,

And inside that pot is boiling hot water

Into which I’ll be dumped like a lamb to the slaughter.

– Fear not Ms Brussell, it will do you no harm,

He cried as he bundled her into his arms

And leapt from the bench, down onto the floor

And dashed with great speed back towards the fridge door

But just as they did, they heard something purr

And were blocked by a monster all covered in fur.


Stand aside! cried the Captain. Monster be gone!

Before the monster could tell what was going on

The Captain jumped up and over its paw

And landed gently back down on the floor

Oh Captain my Captain! cried out Ms Brussell

As the good Captain used all of his muscles

To open the door to the fridge and run home

Back to the crisper and back to his own

There he saw gathered each individual

Bowing their heads in a candlelit vigil

Until Kate Coriander said Look over there!

And they all turned around and started to stare.

Captain you’re back! They cried in a cheer

I’m back said the Captain, And it’s good to be here.

Allow me to introduce Ms Brussell Sprout

Who’ll tell you what I did, while I was out

The Captain stood proudly, hands by his side

As people applauded, their smiles dial-wide

That night they were thankful for the Captain’s return

And also were mindful of all that they’d learned

That you should be thankful for every day

And how you miss people when they go away


For this is the story of Captain Asparagus

Friend to the fruits and the beets and the cabbages

Who lost his Boy Wonder but rescued a sprout

Which is exactly what being a hero’s about

And even if fear always knows where to find you

You can still be courageous if someone reminds you


This is the story of Captain Asparagus

Friend to the fruits and the beets and the cabbages

Who upholds the peace and who upholds the law

The greatest superhero in the vegetable drawer



The Man From Kazakhstan

The Man from Kazakhstan.



There was a man from Kazakhstan, with a moustache on his face.

He came to Narre Warren after he fell from outer space.

He trawled the streets for children until he came to Springfield Drive.

He wanted them for dinner – to eat them while alive.


He came to number thirty eight, and waltzed right up the drive

And rapped upon the door, until a boy, aged five

Named Jumping Jake appeared, and asked Just who are you?

– I am the man from Kazakhstan and I’ve come to dine on you.


Jumping Jake let out a scream, louder than any other

Slammed shut the door and with great speed, went to find his brother.

Jumping Jake yelled Brodie! As he burst into his room

I saw a man from Kazakhstan, who’s come to bring our doom.


A man from Kazakhstan? Said Brode. It’s such a lovely place

I’ll bet you ready money that he’s come from outer space.

He leapt to his computer and jumped on the internet

And pretty soon he’d figured out just who young Jake had met.


The men of Kazakhstan wouldn’t do us any damage.

They don’t eat kids for dinner – They prefer peas and cabbage.

Then Brodie pushed a button, and found out what was what

He’s definitely an alien and he’s from the planet SNOT.


– The Planet Snot! Cried Jake. But that’s my favourite place!

As he wiped away the remnants of the planet from his face.

– And he’s not a human being said Brode. His disguise will not fool me.

For aliens from Planet Snot are known as Bunburies.


Tell me Jake, said Brodie. Could you describe this fella?

I’ll bet he had a moustache that is really an antenna.

– He did have a moustache said Jake. It stretched across his face

Does he use it to get messages from his home in outer space?


No, said Brode, he doesn’t. It just mostly hides his lips

And he tunes into the radio, to pick up cooking tips.

Just then they heard a rattling, and a banging at the door

It seemed the Man from Kazakhstan had come for them once more.


I have a plan, said Brodie. So go get Napping Noah.

We’ll make ourselves a trap, He said, just as his voice dropped lower.

Jumping Jake went tearing off to find his younger brother

Who was lying fast asleep, under a doona cover.


I am the Man from Kazakhstan, said a voice from the front door.

I’m so hungry for my dinner that I’m going to eat you raw!

– You’re not a man from Kazakhstan. You’re nothing but a phony.

You’re a Bunbury through and through, yelled out Jake and Brodie.


The Man from Kazakhstan fell still and everything was quiet.

Until he roared in anguish and he started up a riot.

How did you know? he howled aloud. You seem to know a lot.

That I am just a Bunbury? And I’m from the Planet Snot?


– You’ve a Bunbury look about you and a very Bunbury face

You’re not a man from Kazakhstan, you’re just a big disgrace.

As Brodie finished speaking, he heard a Bunbury sniffle.

– Well, if I can’t have kids for dinner, how about a sausage sizzle?


Jake got quite excited and he wanted to agree

But Brodie wasn’t sure, so he asked cautiously:

I thought aliens ate children? I dare you to deny it!

– That might be true, he answered. But I’ll try and change my diet.


– I don’t like the sound of this, as the seconds all grew slower

I think it’s time we activated ‘Operation Noah’.

Let’s bring Noah to the door, and don’t forget the doona.

I can’t believe I waited, I should have done this sooner!


Growing tired of waiting and wanting some results

The Bunbury from Planet Snot started sucking out the bolts,

That held the door upon its frame and he sounded an alert –

He’d eat Jake and Brode for dinner, and Noah for dessert.


The door fell off its hinges and there in all his splendour

Stood the Bunbury from Snot, carrying a blender.

I’ll blend you up for dinner, I’ll toast you for hors d’oeuvres

And wash it down with petrol when I want to quench my thirst.


As he stood in the doorway, he was a most disturbing fellow.

And when he smiled his lips unveiled his teeth all chipped and yellow.

His hands were like meat cleavers, his eyes were green and wonky

His breath so foul and rancid it could probably kill a donkey.


It’s fair to say you can’t describe the fear that they were feeling

And as the creature entered, Noah dropped down from the ceiling

Carrying the doona, he covered up the Bunbury

The alien went berserk, and yelled to all and sundry:

How did you know, how did you guess the best way to defeat us?

How did you boys uncover, my one and only weakness?


It’s simple, answered Brodie, as they all sighed in relief

To beat a man from Planet Snot, you need a handkerchief.

– Curse you, yelled the alien, I want to go back home.

Back to Planet Snot, where wild Bunburies roam.


I didn’t ask to be here or to cause you any terror.

I came to Narre Warren because I clearly made an error.

I was aiming for the moon, but it seems that I’m off course

And I wasn’t hunting children, I was looking for my horse


– That’s not true! Yelled Jake – I can tell you boys his name!

The horse’s name is Dennis and he has a silver mane.

And wings upon his back, for he’s no ordinary horse

– Can he fly through outer space? They asked.

The Bunbury said Of course!


So they went in search of Dennis, determined not to fail

And found him at the letter box, feasting on the mail.

They loaded up the Bunbury, onto his horse named Dennis

And gave him such a warning and a promise for his penance.


No more eating children, said Noah, Brode and Jake.

– I promise said the Bunbury. That I’ll swap from kids to steak.

And with that he waved good bye, and he rode off into space,

The Bunbury from Planet Snot with a moustache on his face


The boys went back inside, as if all was hunky dory

Jake played the piano, and Brodie wrote a story.

He sat at his computer and began to write a lot,

Not of a man from Kazakhstan but of a Bunbury from Snot.