I guess I don’t understand technology. By which, I don’t mean I struggle with the buttons on the microwave or routinely slather white-out across my computer monitor; I mean I don’t really get big tech. And when I say ‘big tech’, I’m not referring to my refrigerator (despite its ample dimensions) but organisations that are so large and powerful that they generate an embarrassing level of revenue, the quantum of which is more readily associated with a sovereign state than a company.
But as puzzling as these gargantuan organisations may be, more bewildering still are the strange and curious individuals who run these corporate behemoths. I speak, of course, of Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg.
Elon Musk is a busy guy with lots of jobs. One of those jobs is running ‘Tesla’ – which, for those of you who may be unfamiliar, is the thinking person’s Toyota Corolla. His objective in that job is to create something you can drive. He also runs ‘Twitter’, which is something that he also drives, albeit into the ground in some kind of bizarre and inexplicable death-wish.
When Elon’s not busy running Tesla and Twitter, he runs ‘Space X’, which is possibly the only private space service fuelled by a Queensland beer. Apparently, Space XXXX (as it was originally known) runs on lager because it’s cheaper than lithium and preferable to anyone having to drink the stuff.
Mark Zuckerberg used to run ‘Facebook’ before it was rebranded as ‘meta’ in what I can only assume was internally described as something of a ‘Facebook-lift’. Meta also runs Instagram and WhatsApp so Mark knows everywhere you’ve been, every restaurant meal you’ve ever eaten and what you’re thinking. In the ultimate act of irony, Mark is also really into virtual reality, perhaps unaware that the real thing is already freely available.
These two men are enormously wealthy. And yet, for reasons that are unknown to most of us, these two strange dudes have decided to cage fight each other.
I don’t know much about big technology, except that it’s threatening existence as we know it. I know even less about cage fighting. Mixed martial arts has always been a mystery to me, but I assume there are exponents who are very good at it. In contrast, I strongly suspect that Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg are coming to octagon with high hopes rather than anything in the way of actual expertise.
It’s madness. Whilst it’s not nice to remark on anyone’s physical appearance, I feel it’s necessary in circumstances as extreme as these. Firstly to Elon – you have the physique of a bowl of porridge. However it is you’ve been spending your time, it’s safe to say that it hasn’t been spent getting into shape, unless the shape in question is an oblong. Granted, your custard guts may well absorb all the kicks, karate chops and nookies your adversary might see fit to dispense, but I fear you’ll have the endurance of a wet rice cracker.
As for Mark, I can only reiterate that reality and virtual reality are not the same thing. The former has real physical consequences. It’ll be obvious if he’s confused the two – it’s rare that someone steps into the octagon wearing a giant VR headset. ‘Oculus’ and ‘octagon’ are not interchangeable terms. I appreciate that you’ve taken up Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu (the finer details of which are best left to the imagination). I even respect that you’ve been training with Mikey Musumeci – a man who (like myself) has been described as a world champion in ‘submission grappling’.
But, Mark, the fact is that you look like a pencil with an eraser on top. To be clear, that’s not a good thing. You can’t go around challenging people to a bout in the octagon if you look like a human cotton bud. Besides, what would happen in the unlikely event that Elon Musk caught you and you were injured? For starters, Beaker from The Muppets would suddenly be without his stunt double. The world simply can’t afford to take that kind of risk.
Not that anyone would know. Even if you lose horribly because you tripped over and Elon got his sausage fingers on your slender frame, you have access to a platform that excels at misinformation that could easily cover it up. But that’s hardly the point. The whole billionaire cage match idea is so passé; ever since Warren Buffet gave Jeffrey Bezos what has been described as the ‘greatest atomic wedgie of the twentieth century’ during the famous mud-wrestling slap-down of ’97.
If this thing does go ahead, there’ll need to be an undercard, other billionaires lining up to do battle before the main event. The night would open with Bill Gates versus Charles Koch, each armed only with a ruler and a compass, doing battle in a pit of jelly. That would be followed up by Richard Branson against Kylie Jenner in a jousting contest. Eventually, Elon and Mark would emerge before stepping into the octagon.
Ultimately, it’s hard not to think that they should each have something better to do. Something more (I’m looking for the right word) …..useful. Maybe they plan to donate the proceeds to charity. But whilst they’re busy ‘submission grappling’ or subjecting each other to the firmest of squirrel grips, the world that they’ve helped create longs for a day where they use their abundant talents for good instead of evil.