There’s no getting around it – times are tough. Wherever you turn, there are problems piling up like laundry in a world without a washing machine. War, famine and the end of ‘Neighbours’ – there’s simply no end to the misery confronting us. And whilst there are a lot of very obvious problems, there seems to be no corresponding supply obvious solutions. This fact is reinforced every time I turn on the television. Almost without fail, the person talking will begin by saying ‘there’s no silver bullet’. This prompts the obvious question – what on earth happened to all the silver bullets?
Let me speak candidly, I’ve never owned a silver bullet. It never occurred to me to do so. And this is coming from someone who owns a doohickey, a thingamajig and several whatchamacallits. But no silver bullets. Frankly, it feels a bit shortsighted. Despite going to the supermarket weekly, I never think to grab a packet of silver bullets to plonk beside the tub of yoghurt in my trolley in case of problems. Granted, some problems can be solved by a good yoghurt. Others, however, require a silver bullet. But alas – I’m now left to wallow in my own foolishness as it’s too late. There are no more silver bullets to be bought. We’ve run out.
When faced with this kind of gut-wrenching disappointment, it’s tempting to blame others. It’s also comforting. And something I will do without a moment’s hesitation. Which is why I demand to know which bozo was asleep at the wheel and allowed this chronic under-supply of silver bullets to come about? For it seemed like only yesterday that silver bullets lay strewn across the street and it was almost impossible to leave the house without tripping over them. Now you can’t get a silver bullet to save yourself. Clearly, someone’s to blame.
That said, silver bullets are something of a niche product. They’re different to milk, bread and sugar in that respect. Traditionally, though, silver bullets are also used to dispatch werewolves and witches into the afterlife as well as solve intractable problems. Which makes me think that if we’ve run out, werewolves and witches must be in plague proportions and we’re in danger of being overrun. Try not to panic.
The Lone Ranger also used silver bullets, even though there are no surviving accounts of either he or Tonto being attacked by werewolves. Truth is, he probably only used silver bullets on account of not having any lead ones. As a result, he then believed that silver bullets were perfect for every occasion – from dispensing justice to wayward outlaws through to pest control and even removing bottle caps. This phenomenon is known as ‘golden hammer’, even though it’s a silver bullet. Which is kind of ironic.
Bob Seger – who, in a certain light, bears more than a passing resemblance to a werewolf – had ‘the Silver Bullet Band’. Until supply chains are restored, perhaps we can make do for the time being with a bit of Bob Seger. Next time someone important stands up to announce ‘there’s no silver bullet’, expect them to slide into shot wearing only a shirt, sunglasses and a regular pair of Reg Grundys whilst the Silver Bullet Band cranks out ‘Old Time Rock and Roll’. Suddenly, werewolves won’t seem so bad.
Doubtless, the great silver bullet drought on 2022 will be something that will be remembered forever. There will be murals, plays and songs (and not just ‘Old Time Rock and Roll’, either) as tales of our collective suffering are handed down from one generation to the next. In fact, so severe is our current shortage, they’ll have to rewrite the record books.
It may be that I’m watching too much sport. But every time an athlete does exceptionally well, there is talk of ‘rewriting the record books’. Rewriting an entire book is a drastic step when a slight edit would surely suffice. At most, a revised edition would be enough. I remember once setting a new world record for the most number of times falling over whilst playing football. Although it was undoubtedly a stunning achievement that stands to this day, I doubt that a full rewrite would be warranted. Probably just a note of correction, slipped inside the cover.
Much like silver bullets, it turns out that the record books are also in scarce supply. Worse still, when I marched into my local bookstore and asked to be pointed in the general direction of the record books (I wanted to see if they’d been rewritten already), not only were they out of stock, they denied their existence altogether. Clearly, this is a conspiracy lead by werewolves (probably) and whoever is responsible for inventing Tik Tok.
Sigh. Sometimes it all seems like too much. As problem after problem continues to pile up, all we can do is comfort ourselves to the gentle strains of ‘Night Moves’ by Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band. Maybe things will start to improve. Perhaps things will start to get better if we simply grit our teeth and keep on going. One thing’s for sure though. When it comes to the current shortage of silver bullets, all I know is that there’s no silver bullet to fix it.