Just when you think things can’t get any worse. The moment you think you’ve seen everything, along comes something so evil, so plainly diabolical you’d think it’s something that only Satan himself could have the temerity to conjure up and, even then, only after stubbing his toe and discovering that he’d forgotten to take the bins out. Granted, there are moments in this life when you’re reminded of sunshine and unicorns. But, once in a while, you’re forced to gaze into the abyss and are left to wonder what kind of heart of darkness feels the need to inflict something so plainly malevolent on the world. I speak, of course, of chocolate Santa.
Firstly; to the creative genius responsible for putting this monstrosity on the shelves of local supermarkets, clearly someone hurt you sometime earlier in your life and you’re now seeking to inflict your damaged feelings and insatiable lust for revenge on humanity at large. I urge you to look deep into your black, black heart for any remaining trace of goodness and in the event that you should stumble across even the most slender skerrick of humanity, please reconsider your actions and withdraw the abomination that you have unleashed upon us. If there’s a shred of decency within you, you’ll remove chocolate Santa.
I appreciate that some of you are confused. Surely a chocolate Santa is a bit of harmless fun? No. Not at all. Because this isn’t just an issue of a delicious chocolate treat that you can buy whilst picking up some milk, it’s about usurping someone else’s job. About being an imposter and committing the most egregious fraud on the general public. His foil face looked all jolly and cheerful. But the chocolate itself was not shaped like Santa Claus. The chocolate was shaped like the Easter Bunny.
Secondly, you’re not fooling everyone. Even the mot casual of shoppers is alert to this unholy scam. It doesn’t take much to figure out that it’s an Easter Bunny, disguised as Santa. Presumably the dude responsible for Easter has returned early from long service leave and needed to do something to fill in the time. But there’s surely no excuse for sending out chocolate rabbits in disguise at Christmastime. The only thing that’s not clear to me is who the victim is.
Is Santa trying to muscle in on the Easter Bunny’s territory? If, indeed, Father Christmas is trying to put the squeeze on the big bunny as some kind of mafia-style turf war, I’m concerned that the thing may escalate if our furry friend elects to retaliate by ‘going to the mattresses’. It’d be horrible if Saint Nick was jumped by the Easter Bunny whilst buying fruit with his elf, Fredo. In the days beforehand, Father Christmas will have the unshakable sense that he’s being watched and the whole thing will end in tears when one of the helpers goes to get the sleigh and it explodes as he starts the engine.
Or perhaps it’s the other way around? Let’s be honest; rabbits have something of a reputation for turning up where they’re not wanted in plague proportions. Perhaps this is yet another manifestation of a rabbit plague that threatens to overwhelm Christmas altogether before leaching into to Melbourne Cup Day. Our only hope is if scientists can develop some kind of chocolate Myxomatosis to confine the population to a manageable level.
Or, then again, maybe it’s a different kind of problem altogether. For years, the distance between Christmas and Easter seems to have been shrinking. I don’t mean that in terms of weeks, days and months. Rather, that products associated with Easter seem to be arriving on our shelves ever earlier. For some time now, it has felt as though hot cross buns appear before the staff even get a chance to clear away the tinsel. Who of us hasn’t been shocked by the appearance of the first Easter Egg and noted that it seems to arrive earlier every year? This is really taking that concept one frightening step further.
Phony Chocolate Santa is an attempt to merge Christmas and Easter together in one mega-retail event. I, for one, won’t stand for it. Chocolate Santa, if he’s necessary at all, should be shaped like Santa and not like an oversized anthropomorphic rodent. Let Christmas be Christmas and Easter be Easter. Who knows what kind of things might happen if they’re combined? Will children be required to look for their presents in the garden as they would an Easter egg? Surely not. Will hot cross buns be finished off with a hot brandy sauce and set on fire? It seems unnecessary.
To those responsible for putting the Easter Bunny in Santa’s clothing I say this: back off. It’s been the longest of years and the last thing any of us needs is a takeover of Christmas by a hostile rabbit. Give us some peace. We’ll deal with Easter when we’re good and ready. But for the moment, please show a little respect and allow the Yuletide to come in and wash over our feet. Granted, I’ll eat your delicious chocolate, but let it be known that I’m not happy about. Merry Christmas. Kind of.