It was inevitable, really: that President Donald J Trump should decide to take his unique brand of diplomacy to the far reaches of outer space where – arguably – it always belonged. And that it should be packing heat. I’m not sure who in the White House should be responsible for telling the Leader of the Free World that Star Wars was not, in fact, a documentary but a work of fiction, but it’s time to break the bad news before this thing truly gets out of hand.
It was inevitable, really: that President Donald J Trump should decide to take his unique brand of diplomacy to the far reaches of outer space where – arguably – it always belonged. And that it should be packing heat. I’m not sure who in the White House should be responsible for telling the Leader of the Free World that Star Wars was not, in fact, a documentary but a work of fiction, but it’s time to break the bad news before this thing truly gets out of hand.
There’s always the chance that the whole shemozzle is the result of a colossal misunderstanding. When President Trump is briefed about ‘illegal alien arrivals’, care should be taken to ensure he understands that these are mostly from Mexico and not, as he may otherwise think, from the Planet Nebulon. We can (quite literally) count our lucky stars that this didn’t happen earlier. It would have terrible for all of us if Space Force had had intercepted a certain refugee from the Planet Krypton.
It’s possible that Space Force is part of an unconventional recruitment drive. Now that candidates to work at the White House have officially been exhausted here on Planet Earth, it’s time to go intergalactic. Spock would make a great Chief of Staff. Stoic, reserved and incapable of expressing human emotion, Spock is an obvious successor to General John Kelly.
It’s a little known fact that Captain James T. Kirk was a total lunatic before Spock came along. He’ll calm everything down, quick sticks and the Vulcan Nerve Pinch will more than come in handy. In fact, I predict that such will be the Vulcan influence on the Trump Administration; it’ll only be a matter of time before the currency replaces ‘In God We Trust’ with the far snappier, ‘Live long and prosper’.
The job of Space Force is to take total, armed control of the Universe. Frankly, I can see an upside. Having a branch of the armed forces controlling the galaxies means one thing: inter-planetary colonization. As vulgar as that may sound to you and I, it provides a fabulous opportunity to up sticks and move to another planet if the thought of hanging around to see what happens at the midterms proves too overwhelming a thought. Personally, I’m quite drawn to living on Saturn. It has that ‘ring of confidence’ and, I understand, good schools and close to public transport.
Then again, there’s always the risk of an ulterior motive. What if the President is seeking to take armed control of the Galaxy for that most traditional of reasons: real estate. It’s a fact that Neil Armstrong travelled to the moon to play golf. It’s not too hard to imagine the old Trumpster has been mulling over this for some decades and has long harbored the idea of building a full eighteen-hole golf course on the lunar surface. Rather than the Mar-a-Lago, it’d be the Moon-a-Lago. Although you couldn’t really call them ‘greens’. Probably ‘greys’. Four!
Once ‘Space Force’ is up and running, America can finally ditch ‘The Star Spangled Banner’ in favour of the kind of truly awesome national anthem they deserve. The Theme from ‘Star Wars’ would be a vast improvement. For starters, there are no words, which eliminates the risk that Roseanne Barr will ever attempt to sing it at a baseball match almost entirely. Imagine the Olympics – the American relay team standing astride the podium as the opening notes of the Theme from Star Wars blares from the speakers. It’d be a moment that was beyond patriotic.
Granted, this whole thing could be about revenge. Truth be told, the President has long hated the book, ‘Men are from Mars, Women Are From Venus’, ever since his first wife Ivana made him read it as part of couples counseling, and he’s finally decided to do something about it. All that baloney about different communication styles and varied emotional needs – a total and complete hoax. I felt much the same way about ‘The Bridges of Madison County’ although, in my case, I managed to restrain myself from responding militarily.
There’s always the possibility that this is an elaborate ploy to facilitate a meeting with Han Solo. Han has the kind of can-do attitude they like on Planet Trump and, much like the Donald, runs his own (albeit slightly dodgy) business. Han Solo always knows what to say and would be totally awesome on Twitter. Plus, the Millennium Falcon is a lot cooler than Air Force One. I just hope he doesn’t go overboard. After all, the Donald has a terrible habit of naming things after himself. Although his motives could be pure – perhaps he’s planning to go into exile on another planet in a bid to avoid Robert Mueller.
Who knows where this thing will end up? Whether Space Force will join Clive Palmer’s plan to build ‘Titanic II’ in the graveyard of dopey ideas, only time will tell. My only fear is that this may be the first, albeit inevitable step, towards the President becoming an intergalactic overlord. ‘Darth Trumper’ has a certain ring to it. Then again, so does ‘Jabba the Trump’ and there’s a greater physical resemblance. I shudder to think. And if all this seems too much, just remember – at least in space, no one can hear you scream.