I did not see it coming. Looking back, there’s every chance that history will record this as the week that previously earth-bound pigs sprouted wings and started their own commercial airline. Doubtless, those who dislike science will refer to the events of the past few days in support of their position, citing the fact that hell has just frozen over and turned itself into a twenty four hour ice-skating rink as evidence that climate change is bunkum. Quite honestly, I thought the chances of Donald Trump being elected President were much the same as me being crowned Miss America. But in dismissing the Donald I overlooked the one ingredient essential to every reality television show – a surprise ending.
I did not see it coming. Looking back, there’s every chance that history will record this as the week that previously earth-bound pigs sprouted wings and started their own commercial airline. Doubtless, those who dislike science will refer to the events of the past few days in support of their position, citing the fact that hell has just frozen over and turned itself into a twenty four hour ice-skating rink as evidence that climate change is bunkum. Quite honestly, I thought the chances of Donald Trump being elected President were much the same as me being crowned Miss America. But in dismissing the Donald I overlooked the one ingredient essential to every reality television show – a surprise ending.
I swear, when the President-elect took to the stage to give his victory speech, the music sounded a lot like The West Wing theme. The moment had a distinctly showbiz feel and it was as if television and politics had finally merged to become the same thing. Indeed, as the Donald strode onto stage, I was reminded very much of that moment when contestants won ‘the lot’ on Sale of the Century. Had Tony Barber appeared on stage to take him through the showcase I wouldn’t have been a bit surprised. But soon the shock will subside and the next question the world will want answered is who, precisely, will serve in a Trump Cabinet?
If there’s one thing I know about television it’s this: never mess with a winning formula. Think of Moonlighting when Bruce Willis and Cybil Shepherd finally got together and managed to snuff out the spark that had sustained the entire series. Or when Ritchie left Happy Days and the Fonz – the coolest man ever to have a bathroom as an office – was forced to live in an above-garage granny flat at the Cunninghams. Stick with what works. That’s why members of the Trump Cabinet should be experienced, known to voters and adored by audiences. Most importantly of all, they should all be good for ratings.
Judge Judy is a shoo-in for Attorney General. I know everyone assumes Rudy Giuliani will get the role for defending the indefensible but, fact is, the camera is pretty much allergic to Rudy. Judge Judy would be tough and it’d be great if the work of this important role were broadcast in thirty-minute episodes. Like Donald, Judge Judy is a published author; he with ‘The Art of the Deal’ and her with ‘Don’t Pee On My Leg and Tell Me It’s Raining’ which, incidentally, would also be an excellent title for a Dr Seuss book.
One of the most critical roles in any administration is Secretary of State. It requires a top-notch diplomat and I can’t think of anyone as qualified as Paris Hilton. Even her name is international. Chances are, she has ordered products on line from many of the countries she’d be required to visit. Also, given the family business, she’ll always have somewhere to stay no matter where she is. The Government will save an absolute packet.
When I think of the Secretary of Defense, my mind immediately turns to Mr. T. I pity the fool who dares suggest otherwise. He started in security, both as a bodyguard and a nightclub bouncer. Granted, he’d have to stay put at the Pentagon given his reluctance to fly but his experience as a soldier of fortune is bound to come in handy in his new job. From First Class Sergeant to Secretary is not so large a leap.
Secretary of Education is a big job. In particular, it’s important that the nation’s inner city schools receive the kind of attention they need, especially if series 4 of The Wire is any guide. That’s why I’m suggesting Gabe Kotter of Welcome Back Kotter. Who better to met the needs of troubled youth? Having managed to educate both Arnold Horshack and John Travolta, it’s clear that Gabe is nothing short of a miracle worker.
Other portfolios demand more imagination. What better way to re-affirm America’s commitment to the ANZUS alliance than to give Housing and Urban Development to our very own Keith Urban? Other jobs will be easier. Rick from ‘Pawn Stars’ would be a natural as Secretary of Commerce and the role of Secretary of Agriculture will be occupied faster than you can say ‘Snoop Doggy Dogg’ with a mouthful of peanuts. As for Homeland Security, it’s a job that has then name ‘John J. Rambo’ stamped all over it.
Sadly, Leonard Cohen is no longer available to serve. It’s a matter of exquisite timing that a man who once sang, ‘I have seen the future and brother, it is murder,’ should pass away at such an odd moment in human history. For what it’s worth I’d have picked him for Human Services as that’s exactly what his music has provided. These are unsettling times and, as ever, music remains a salve. For now I’ll be sure to light a candle and listen to some Leonard. As the line between reality and unreality becomes forever blurred and before we take a break for a word from our sponsors, I’ll think of Leonard Cohen and, for that, I will say: Hallelujah’.