Frankly, I can take it or leave it. The idea of seeing Batman and Superman going toe to toe for a couple of hours fills me with little more than inertia. Granted, given that the movie is going gangbusters at cinemas across the globe, I am clearly in the minority. On paper at least, it’s the ultimate alpha male showdown between men in tights. Which, I guess, might be entertainment of a kind. I suppose my problem with the concept is this: Batman and Superman may well get on each other’s nerves, but basically we all know they’re on the same side. They’re bound to end up, if not friends, then at least having a begrudging respect for each other. (I should have preceded that statement with the words ‘spoiler alert’. Sorry.)
Frankly, I can take it or leave it. The idea of seeing Batman and Superman going toe to toe for a couple of hours fills me with little more than inertia. Granted, given that the movie is going gangbusters at cinemas across the globe, I am clearly in the minority. On paper at least, it’s the ultimate alpha male showdown between men in tights. Which, I guess, might be entertainment of a kind. I suppose my problem with the concept is this: Batman and Superman may well get on each other’s nerves, but basically we all know they’re on the same side. They’re bound to end up, if not friends, then at least having a begrudging respect for each other. (I should have preceded that statement with the words ‘spoiler alert’. Sorry.)
Conflict is the cornerstone of storytelling. That’s why we need movies based on real rivalries, where the enmity is palpable and falls off the big screen straight into your popcorn. The filmmakers were confined to the ‘DC Universe’ and whilst that’s not exactly a shallow pool, it can’t help but limit the options. The next installment should look a lot further afield. That way, we’re more likely to get something with a bit of grit, some real venom. To convince us to stump up twenty dollars to head down to the multiplex we need protagonists who genuinely hate each other’s guts.
Humphrey B. Bear versus Fat Cat. It’s an open secret that when Fat Cat got pulled for indecency from the nation’s television screens following his controversial refusal to wear pants, it was the result of a not-so-anonymous complaint from another pants-free character. Ever since Fat Cat trumped Humphrey at the 1983 Logies for the coveted award for ‘Best Performer In An Animal Suit – Mute’, the two were engaged in a battle for supremacy. This involved an early but ultimately botched attempt to have Fat Cat spade and an ugly incident in which Humphrey awoke to discover all his records scratched and that his rival had marked his territory in the most putrid manner imaginable.
All the superhero ingredients are present. Both characters have alter egos and fancy superhero suits. Whilst neither of them speaks, I don’t regard this much of an impediment. Given that dialogue in these movies is pretty much superfluous, having a couple of silent protagonists is not a disadvantage as much as it is taking things to their natural conclusion. I, for one, look forward to spending an afternoon in the dark watching these two settle their differences up on the big screen.
Karl Stephanovic versus David ‘Kochie’ Koch. It’s a rivalry, to be sure, but one that is played out in two distinct universes that never meet. That’s the great thing about these kinds of films: you get to make worlds collide. Viewers shouldn’t have to enjoy this simmering conflict by flicking between the channels. It should be presented to them in a unified fashion. Frankly, it almost wouldn’t matter who had who in a headlock. And there’s more – in this instance the quarrel isn’t confined to the hosts. Like most people, I’d often spent time wondering who would emerge from a ‘Thunderdome’-type competition between ‘Blocky’ and ‘the Cash Cow’. It’s the kind of question that only a big screen movie can answer.
Thor versus the Hamburglar. Some might consider this a mismatch, but I genuinely believe that Thor can take it up to the world’s greatest criminal mastermind and, possibly, its most militant vegetarian (why else would he steal hamburgers?). It was always inevitable that one of the most fabled characters from the land of the gods should be pitted against Thor. Granted, Thor has a hammer, but I’ll wager that the moment he reaches for it is the moment is discovers that one Hamilton B. Urglar has already taken it from him.
Santa Clause versus Easter Bunny. Talk about your grudge match. This is the one match-up most likely to be resolved by hand-to-hand combat, preferably in the car park at about three o’clock in the morning. Santa, his eyes as red as his suit, would be in no mood for compromise as he moves in on the creature he refers to simply as ‘the varmint’. Christmas may well be one of the most celebrated days of the year but, for reasons no one can explain, Easter always gets a four-day weekend. It’s the kind of inequity that can only be resolved through battle.
Donald J. Trump versus Foghorn Leghorn. I know, I know; on paper this looks like a complete mismatch. One is a two-dimensional cartoon character. The other is Foghorn Leghorn. This would be a battle of strength as of wits, even though one of the combatants would be unarmed. Donald would get himself into a rhetorical lather before Foghorn would be forced to interrupt, saying, ‘I said boy, I said son, I said boy…’ before giving the Trumpster the kind of verbal pantsing that we all know is desperately overdue. That’s cinema.
So to Batman and Superman: don’t waste our time with an incomprehensible CGI blizzard. Go get a coffee together. Go dancing. (You can’t tell me that the ladies don’t still love ‘the Batusi’) Settle your differences peaceably. And leave the big screen fighting to people who really can’t stand each other.