It’s official: listening to heavy metal music makes you happy. Upon hearing the news I raced home and destroyed every album in the house by Angus and Julia Stone, Jack Johnson and every other surfing hippie that isn’t Jack Johnson but sounds exactly like him. I’ll admit that, for a moment, I felt fantastic. However, none of these albums were mine and their destruction – even if in the name of science – was somewhat controversial and so my sense of euphoria was short lived. Until now, I’d always thought the reason those guys in Metallica were so happy was because they’d just had a money fight in which they’d tossed wads of cash at each other, but it turns out it’s the music rather than the financial recompense that’s the cause of all this joy.
It’s official: listening to heavy metal music makes you happy. Upon hearing the news I raced home and destroyed every album in the house by Angus and Julia Stone, Jack Johnson and every other surfing hippie that isn’t Jack Johnson but sounds exactly like him. I’ll admit that, for a moment, I felt fantastic. However, none of these albums were mine and their destruction – even if in the name of science – was somewhat controversial and so my sense of euphoria was short lived. Until now, I’d always thought the reason those guys in Metallica were so happy was because they’d just had a money fight in which they’d tossed wads of cash at each other, but it turns out it’s the music rather than the financial recompense that’s the cause of all this joy.
According to the study, heavy metal makes you happy because it empathizes with you when you’re down. In that sense, it’s kind of like Blues music. But surely the explanation can’t be that simple? There must be something more to it than mere aural empathy? Heavy metal is so much more than music: it’s a way of life. Forget the Dalai Lama and burn your self-help books, we should all embrace the metal lifestyle in order to find the happiness we all so richly deserve. To understand why heavy metal music is the cause for such delight and unmitigated bliss, it is necessary to consider the elements of metal.
Tight pants. If you don’t own a pair of tight pants, get some without further delay. And when I say ‘tight’ I’m talking about something that’s more or less a second skin and causes a ‘preserved fruit’ effect on your delicate areas. I mean tight. Not only is it a superb look that’s forever fashionable, it’s crucial if you want to reach the high notes as you sing along to Iron Maiden’s ‘Run For the Hills’. Critically, it robs parts of your anatomy from an over-supply of blood. This, I feel, makes life in general a lot less complicated. The band Madness may well have extolled the virtues of Baggy Trousers and this, I feel, goes some way to explaining why the group was named ‘Madness’ and not ‘Happiness’. True bliss is found in tight pants.
The Double Kick Drum. Within the genre of heavy metal music, the use of the double kick drum is nigh on mandatory. But elsewhere, it’s as rare as a left-handed hammer. Scour the collected works of Britney Spears and nary a double kick drum you will find. Indeed, the lack of double kick drum may well be a contributing factor to Celine Dion’s slide into obscurity. There’s something wonderfully over the top about a double kick drum. It is a glorious thing that someone, somewhere once asked: why make do with one kick drum when you can have two? Given the vast majority of drummers are equipped with two feet rather than one, it’s a compelling question. It’s also a declaration: there’s no hiding when the drummer has a double kick drum. Setting up a double kick drum says: we pledge allegiance to heavy metal, regardless of the ridicule and opprobrium it brings us. It’s to be admired.
Pale Skin. It’s often said that exposure to the sun is vital for producing vitamin B without which we are doomed to misery. That’s rubbish. Being left at the mercy of the sun is an invitation to sunburn, not happiness. True contentment is a studio tan. The pastier the better. It screams devotion to the art of metal at the expense of everything else, especially outdoor exercise.
Proper Band Names. You can keep ‘Hootie and the Blowfish’ – it sounds like a children’s picture book. ‘The Beatles’ is an affront to spelling. ‘The Hooters’ sang about ‘All You Zombies’ before quitting the business and opening a chain of restaurants. Just as we knew they always would. ‘The Foo Fighters’ should be a cartoon, not a rock band. Even worse are those bands that decide to double down. Duran Duran. Mr. Mister. Talk Talk. All of them equally dreadful. Frankly, the state of band names outside of metal are abysmal. Real bands have names that mean something; like Slayer, Five Finger Death Punch, Megadeth and The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza.
The Mullet. It truly is the prince of haircuts. More than that, it’s about balance. Heavy metal is one of the last remaining sanctuaries for the mullet haircut. Once, it roamed throughout pop music like a gigantic Tyrannosaurus Rex, but just like that majestic beast, it is now pretty much extinct. Except, that is, within the world of metal. Business up front, party at the back: what more can you ask for from a haircut?
Head-banging. It’s something you just don’t get with Kanye West. There’s something very primal about throwing yourself back and forward in time with the music. Forget dancing and anything that involves your hips.
Science has spoken. Resistance is futile. No further correspondence will be entered in to. Instead of a balanced diet and plenty of sunlight, I should have been standing in front of a Marshall Stack and hammering on to my heart’s content. The answer is clear: I must surrender to metal if I ever want to be happy. It’s time to slip into some black jeans and let the ecstasy begin. Metal rules!