How dare you. Frankly, you should take all the money you’ve earned from those big Hollywood movies and buy yourself a large quantity of shame because it’s clear that you have none at present. Now that your lies have been exposed, I find myself questioning every truth I once held dear. Is the sky really blue? Are puppies truly adorable or is it just a ruse to mask an evil heart of darkness? Does Taylor Swift exist or was she invented by the Toshiba Corporation and originally given away in a box of cereal? I can’t believe in anything anymore. Thanks a lot Rebel Wilson.
How dare you. Frankly, you should take all the money you’ve earned from those big Hollywood movies and buy yourself a large quantity of shame because it’s clear that you have none at present. Now that your lies have been exposed, I find myself questioning every truth I once held dear. Is the sky really blue? Are puppies truly adorable or is it just a ruse to mask an evil heart of darkness? Does Taylor Swift exist or was she invented by the Toshiba Corporation and originally given away in a box of cereal? I can’t believe in anything anymore. Thanks a lot Rebel Wilson.
As a forty three year old man, you’d expect I’d take this kind of devastating news in my stride. Guess again. Frankly, this changes everything. I’ll admit that when I first heard the news, I tried my best not to overact. For that reason, after falling to my knees and shaking my fists at the sky, I only spent an hour in sackcloth and fifteen minutes flagellating myself with some left over television cables before leaping to my keyboard and expressing my sense of anger, hurt and betrayal the way nature intended: on the Internet.
Once online, I discovered that I was far from alone. Others were also trying to recover from this elaborate deception and were rightly asking whether the ‘real’ you would step from the shadows in which you have lurked for so long. It appears to me that you’ve given no thought at all to how lying about your age might make others feel once the truth was ultimately unveiled. In fact, it’s as though you’ve not had a moment’s pause to consider the social contract that, as a performer, you have willingly entered. When you appear in a movie or a series and, in turn, that piece of entertainment is then made available for purchase, we’re not just buying your performance; we’re buying you. That’s right, Rebel. We own you.
So it’s only fair that I communicate my absolute sense of outrage in the clearest terms possible. Indeed, I haven’t felt this betrayed since learning that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West had hooked up and I had to throw out all his albums as a precaution, lest I too should be seduced by the dark side of the Force. Why oh why! Until news of your subterfuge came to light, there was one thing I thought I knew about actors and it’s this: everything they say is absolutely true. That’s why Martin Sheen was such a great President. Now I don’t know what to think.
Turns out you aren’t twenty nine years old as previously claimed, but thirty six. That means that you and I are exactly the same age. I have to be honest and say that this puts a different perspective on everything. More than that, it raises some very serious questions of the ‘road less travelled’ variety. If I too had lied about my age, would I have had my own sitcom by now? Probably. Worse still, I suspect that the role you had in Bridesmaids really ought to have gone to me instead. Granted, you were hilarious, but if that role was obtained in suspicious circumstances, then there’s nothing for it other than to re-shoot the entire movie.
As a twenty seven year old left-handed puppeteer, perhaps I should have known better. After all, there’s a long history of actors telling absolute porkies about a whole range of matters. Cary Grant was not really Cary Grant. He was, in actual fact, Archibald Alexander Leach. Upon learning this, it totally ruined The Philadelphia Story for me. All this time, I’d thought it was Cary Grant rather than Archie Leach on screen as CK Dexter Haven. Re-shooting the movie isn’t even an option as all the characters are now deceased. But it’s far from an isolated example.
Mister Ed was not really Mister Ed but a horse named ‘Bamboo Harvester’ which doesn’t really sound like a horse at all but a piece of agricultural equipment. If I dig a little deeper will I discover that Mister Ed wasn’t a horse but an apparatus used on the farm for cropping? As for Flipper, it’s long been an open secret that he wasn’t a dolphin at all but a ten year old with a rare form of alopecia and a major attitude problem who, with the aid for some pretty amazing makeup, convinced the world that instead of a small angry pre-teen he was the ocean’s most beloved mammal.
As a twenty one year Sudoku champion and award winning basket weaver, you might think I should just get over it. And you may well have a point. What does it matter if you’re a little older than I previously thought? Sure, I feel a touch foolish for sending all those year-specific birthday cards. But who cares? Others have done far worse. Especially when you consider that Abigail Breslin was actually thirty-seven years old when she played that role in Little Miss Sunshine.
As a twelve year old unicorn with magical fire breath, I can only be honest and say that I feel massively let down. But I’ll still watch your stuff. Some might argue that to do so is a sign of weakness but, trouble is, you’re kind of awesome. This whole age fiasco thing doesn’t detract from how funny you are. Come to think of it, it kind of makes me wonder whether the whole ‘lying about your age’ thing matters a hoot. Perhaps it doesn’t. Sorry to trouble you.