Month: May 2014

Did you ever truly hate someone? So much so that their every success leaves a taste in your mouth so bitter that it threatens to ruin your tastebuds for all eternity? Where their slightest triumph or most feeble of victories is like a slap to the face with a wet hamster? It’s an enmity so powerful that it is undimmed by years and distance. I’m talking about the kind of loathing where the mere mention of their name is like a kick in the down-belows by a hung-over Draught horse. I’m ashamed to admit it but I carry precisely that kind of detestation inside me.
Continue reading “Lego And Other Dark Arts”

Somewhere along the line, things got seriously out of whack. Once upon a time, home cinemas were the exclusive preserve of those who had indoor bowling alleys and monkey butlers. Not anymore. The default setting for television sets is now ginormous. It used to be the only time you saw a screen that big, it was surrounded by world leaders and they were watching a threatening message from some mutant super-villain demanding a mega ransom. Now people routinely sit and watch old episodes of Gardening Australia on screens that swallow their living room wall without so much as a second, third or even fourth thought. Things have changed.
Continue reading “The Rise and Fall of a Fatback Idiot Box”

My nephew, Jake, had a problem. As a thoughtful and considerate uncle, it was only natural that I should help. His football team were assigning nicknames – apparently, such things no longer occur spontaneously ­– and he got lumbered with ‘Beefy’. This is not a reference to his physical dimensions (he’s as lean as a whippet) but, rather, to his surname: Cowburn. We both rued an opportunity lost. Using the logic adopted by his teammates could easily have resulted in an awesome nickname, like ‘T-Bone’, ‘Lord Bovine’ or ‘The Burger King’. Even ‘Beef Pattie Newton’ has a certain charm. Given the names inflicted on some of the other players though, my nephew got off lightly. Suffice to say that one of the larger kids got saddled with the irretrievably unflattering, The Wall with Eyes.
Continue reading “The Empire of Rhyme Strikes Back”