We’ve all done it. For me, it was about eight years ago when I decided to gift a copy of the Coen Brothers’ film, The Hudsucker Proxy to my father. Like any gift, it was unconditional and the DVD has sat in his collection ever since. But time changes things. You see, The Hudsucker Proxy is no longer available for purchase in this country. It used to be but not anymore. The Coen Brothers are hardly obscure filmmakers and it defies logic that one of their movies should be so hard to come by. So despite the fact that I gave it away freely, I now want it back.
We’ve all done it. For me, it was about eight years ago when I decided to gift a copy of the Coen Brothers’ film, The Hudsucker Proxy to my father. Like any gift, it was unconditional and the DVD has sat in his collection ever since. But time changes things. You see, The Hudsucker Proxy is no longer available for purchase in this country. It used to be but not anymore. The Coen Brothers are hardly obscure filmmakers and it defies logic that one of their movies should be so hard to come by. So despite the fact that I gave it away freely, I now want it back.
If anyone knows how I feel, it’s Russia. In 1954, the General Secretary of the Communist Party in the Soviet Union, Nikita ‘Knuckles’ Khrushchev, gifted the Crimea region to Ukraine. It was, apparently, a last minute thing. Khrushchev had originally toyed with getting Ukraine a tonne of JB Hi-Fi vouchers but, at the last minute, decided to hand over the Crimean peninsula instead. Ever since, Crimea had been part of Ukraine. Until now.
Ordinarily, when things become tense I’d simply suggest that people stay calm and tell the key protagonist to keep his shirt on. This is not possible when the protagonist in question is Russian President and all-round amateur He-Man, Vladimir Putin. Without doubt, one of Putin’s greatest problems is his absolute inability to keep his shirt on. It’s as though he’s allergic to fabric from the belt-line up. Vlad’s one of those guys who’s yet to learn that the term ‘flexing your muscle’ is not to be taken literally. So how did it come to this?
When considering the current shemozzle, you’ve got to start with Viktor ‘Weird Al’ Yanukovych. He was the President of Ukraine until February when the Ukrainian Parliament voted against him and he fled the country. He’s also one of the few political leaders to have a Wikipedia page with the ignominious heading, ‘Alleged Higher Education’. When he fled, he left behind a mansion and estate claimed to be worth seventy million US dollars. The Finnish company who built it was so impressed they suggested it should be entered into the Guinness Book of World Records. His personal wealth is estimated to be something around the twelve billion dollar mark, which is an astounding achievement if, like Viktor, your salary has never exceeded two grand a month.
With Yanukovych gone and elections scheduled for May, Vladimir Putin responded to the unfettered act of aggression of existing by sending in the troops. Then, in a move that streamlined democracy, a vote was conducted. The referendum posed two questions – the first was whether the voter wished Crimea to become part of Russia. The second was whether the voter wanted to restore Crimea’s 1992 Constitution that proclaimed self-government. In effect, the only available answers were either ‘yes’ or ‘perhaps’. Maintaining the status quo was not one of the options.
It’s fair to say this debacle has caused chaos. Sanctions that include preventing the third season of ‘Game of Thrones’ from being released in Russia have been considered. That Mr. Putin considers it a documentary rather than a work of fiction is beside the point. The singer Sting, who once told us he hoped the ‘Russians love their children too’, has been parachuted into Moscow to either seek urgent diplomatic talks or, alternatively, challenge the President to a topless arm-wrestle. For his part, Putin who in terms of sheer showmanship is probably the James Brown of Eastern European politics, gave an impassioned speech that was interrupted by thunderous applause on thirty occasions. No doubt, he dropped to his knees before a cape was lowered across his shoulders that he then threw off before returning to the microphone. He claimed that the vote to Russia was done in accordance with all democratic procedures. I doubt it. For starters, I am yet to see any evidence of a sausage sizzle conducted at the polling sites.
Despite the lack of snags, we can all learn something from Russia. That outdoor table setting you gave as a wedding present to the couple you no longer speak to? It’s yours for the taking. The box set of The Sopranos you gifted to the guy your sister used to date but broke up two years ago? Morally, it belongs to you. And as for that copy of The Hudsucker Proxy I gave my father…
When he arrived home, my father was surprised to find me in his kitchen. Hours earlier, I had seamlessly taken possession of the front half of the house. In his absence I had conducted a vote using all known democratic principles and, being the only person present at the time, the vote was overwhelmingly in my favour. But as I stood to leave, there was a knock on the door and, upon opening it, I was surprised to find Sting – his parachute draped across the front yard, asking to speak to me urgently. I took it as a sign. Some battles are worth fighting but if it requires a discussion with Sting, then it’s probably better to cut your losses. I realize this sounds improbable. All I can do is swear that I’m not Putin you on.