The trappings of success are plentiful when you’re a musician. Limousines, fabulous wealth and an adoring public – these are just some of the benefits writing a song that can be hummed by others will bring you. It’s not just wheelbarrows of filthy lucre, either. Indeed, it’s pretty much a law of physics that the greater the success, the more unusual the riches. Fur-lined bathtub, a diamond encrusted toothbrush and your own personalized range of sneakers – that’s how the truly rich and famous celebrate the unending glory that it is to be them. But speedboats made of chocolate and motorized socks will only get you so far. True superstardom means one thing and one thing only – your own monkey.
The trappings of success are plentiful when you’re a musician. Limousines, fabulous wealth and an adoring public – these are just some of the benefits writing a song that can be hummed by others will bring you. It’s not just wheelbarrows of filthy lucre, either. Indeed, it’s pretty much a law of physics that the greater the success, the more unusual the riches. Fur-lined bathtub, a diamond encrusted toothbrush and your own personalized range of sneakers – that’s how the truly rich and famous celebrate the unending glory that it is to be them. But speedboats made of chocolate and motorized socks will only get you so far. True superstardom means one thing and one thing only – your own monkey.
Take Justin Bieber. Please. He started off as a kid with a haircut and unfettered access to Auto-tune who seemed to strike it lucky in life’s super-draw jackpot. Justin has sold recordings and concert tickets in obscene quantities. But like any self-respecting rock star, he knew that this was simply a platform to realize the one dream we all have but too few of us ever see to fruition.
Justin got himself a monkey named ‘Mally’. And whilst, at 19, Justin Bieber is insultingly young, the monkey was younger still at less than 6 months old. When a pop star finally reaches the stratospheric heights of stardom needed to justify getting a primate to call their very own, it should be something of a love affair. Sadly, this has not been the case for young Justin and Mally. It started well enough, with candid photos of the two larking about. But their bliss would proved to be short-lived.
Being a young pop star may give you ten of millions of followers on Twitter, but it doesn’t make you any better at paperwork and German authorities confiscated Mally. When the singer later missed a deadline to submit his documents, ownership of the creature was transferred to the state and the monkey sent to an animal park. The verdict is in – sorry Justin, you’re clearly not ready for a monkey. Perhaps before you make your next bid for all-out superstardom, you should take a moment to consider those who have come before you.
Elvis may be regarded as some as the King of Rock and Roll, but there was a time when he wanted to add the title ‘Lord of the Apes’ to his collection. Scatter the chimpanzee was, in many respects, perfectly suited to the rock and roll lifestyle as he had a tendency to steal people’s drinks and to look up the skirts of unsuspecting guests. He was a constant source of amusement for the King. Scatter would be dressed in suits and sneakers and would sit in the back of a Rolls Royce whilst the chauffer drove around Vegas. Apparently, it tickled Elvis’s fancy when fellow commuters glanced at the back seat of the car beside them only to see a monkey. Sadly, it wasn’t all just stealing drinks and doing a ‘blockie’ in the Roller. Scatter also tended to bite people and, eventually, was banished from Elvis’s Bel Air digs, dispatched back to Memphis.
When it comes to the sacred bond between man and chimp, there’s no better example than Michael Jackson and Bubbles. The pop star bought the animal from a research facility. The two were soon inseparable. Bubbles wore human clothes, including the glittery military-style suits so favoured by his owner. He was said to sleep in a crib in Jackson’s room and was bestowed the ultimate honour of being allowed to use the King of Pop’s bathroom. The chimp had his own bodyguard and was taught to moonwalk. He also had his own agent, although (sadly) Bubbles never landed that one career-defining breakout role. He would have brought something entirely unique to the role of Stanley Kowalski in ‘A Street Car Named Desire’. Fists raised to the sky, Bubbles would wail for Stella before tossing a monkey mound in her direction. It was not to be. As the chimp got older, he became more aggressive. Removed from Neverland, he ended up at the Centre for Great Apes in Florida.
But of all the pop stars to own a monkey, no one was more devoted than French singer Léo Ferré. For those unfamiliar with his work, Léo’s music is very, very French. So much so, had he visited French Island during his lifetime, he would doubtless have been crowned its king. Léo was a struggling songwriter who ultimately achieved extraordinary success with his unique and, frankly, somewhat eccentric take on French folk music. Propelled to mega-stardom, like so many before him, Leo bought an island with a castle on it and settled down. As you or I would, he then filled that castle with animals. Amongst a menagerie of beasts that would put Noah to shame was a chimp called Pépée. However, primates need a firm hand and, without the appropriate discipline, Pépée eventually took control of the castle, stealing valuables from guests and biting servants. He was later put down after injuring himself in a fall. Léo Ferré was inconsolable.
It never ends well with monkeys. Then again, it never ends well with mega-stardom either. Perhaps young Bieber is lucky Mally was confiscated. Rather than adopt wildlife, he should just settle for changing his name to a symbol. Rock on, ð.