This is Kim Jong-Unbelievable. No sooner had I finally committed to re-watching all seven series of ‘The West Wing’ and North Korea goes and announces the imminent end of the world as we know it. Talk about thoughtless! Sadly, it appears that the doomsday clock has not been adjusted to take into account the end of daylight savings and it is now less than five minutes to midnight. North Korea is hell bent of forging a new era with the outside world best summarized as ‘Defcon 1’. These threats are not, it seems, retaliation against South Korea for the crime against humanity that was ‘Gangnam Style’ but, rather, a clumsy attempt to show that when it comes to being an unpredictable megalomaniacal tyrant, Kim Jong-Un is his own man, despite looking, sounding and dressing exactly like his father.
This is Kim Jong-Unbelievable. No sooner had I finally committed to re-watching all seven series of ‘The West Wing’ and North Korea goes and announces the imminent end of the world as we know it. Talk about thoughtless! Sadly, it appears that the doomsday clock has not been adjusted to take into account the end of daylight savings and it is now less than five minutes to midnight. North Korea is hell bent of forging a new era with the outside world best summarized as ‘Defcon 1’. These threats are not, it seems, retaliation against South Korea for the crime against humanity that was ‘Gangnam Style’ but, rather, a clumsy attempt to show that when it comes to being an unpredictable megalomaniacal tyrant, Kim Jong-Un is his own man, despite looking, sounding and dressing exactly like his father.
Let’s be honest: taking over from your Dad brings its own unique brand of pressure. It’s the downside to nepotism that is all too rarely talked about. Being part of a famous dynasty is not all wine, roses and ballistic missile tests. Far from it. Whether it be the head of a large multinational corporation or leadership of a reclusive military dictatorship, it’s tough to be your own person when all anyone talks about is your old man. It’s especially difficult when the image of your predecessor is everywhere you look. Poor old Kim Jong-Un can hardly turn around without seeing a fifty-foot tall picture of his Dad hanging from the nearest building. Not just any snapshot, either. It will be of his father smiling, looking off into the middle distance, surrounded in an otherworldly glow that makes it appear as if the sun really did shine out of his backside.
Kim Jong-Il was, by regular standards, a horrible human being, responsible for leading one of the world’s most repressive regimes in which almost every aspect of daily life was controlled by the government. But the recent actions of his son make it hard not to look back at those simpler times with a sense of nostalgia. Sure, Kim Jong-Il was a loud-mouthed murderous lunatic, but he seemed to understand that there was a line between pantomime and reality. Whether his son is aware that any such distinction exists remains a mystery.
In fact, very little is known about Kim Jong-Un. He is, apparently, about thirty years old (although nobody’s completely sure) and was probably schooled in Switzerland. A poor academic performer, he apparently spent his time developing a sizable man-crush on US basketball player Michael Jordan, sketching images of him in his notebook, and playing videogames. He’s also a fan of Eric Clapton. He has older siblings, but Kim Jong-Un has been described as the one most like his father. This similarity extends to a fondness for drinking and a fashion sense best described as ‘the human wheelie bin’. As to how he was picked as successor, one of his brothers was regarded as insufficiently masculine whilst another, Kim Jong-Nam, was disqualified after he was caught attempting to visit Tokyo Disneyland. There is, it seems, only room for one magic kingdom in North Korea.
But if there’s a downside to having power given to you on a platter it’s this: credibility. Before being handed the reins, Kim was first made a ‘daejang’. Sadly, this does not involve playing your favourite records – Eric Clapton or otherwise – and is the equivalent to being appointed a general. That he hadn’t served in the military was not considered an impediment. There are two ways to view this – firstly, that this is a shameless act of favourtism by a ruthless maniac intended to perpetuate one family’s iron-like grip on power. However there are, of course, two sides to every story, or at least there would be two sides to every story if the media not was steadfastly controlled by the State. It’s a story which, in reality television terms, can be described as refusing to allow things like a lack of experience or talent come between you and your dream. If nothing else, Kim Jong-Un goes to show that being dangerously under-qualified should not stand in the way of getting the job you’ve always wanted.
That job, ‘Supreme Leader of North Korea’, was the one his father held before him. This could well be part of the problem. If Kim Jong-Un wants to been seen differently to his Dad, perhaps he should take a different title. Instead of ‘Supreme Leader of North Korea’, how about ‘Super Supreme Leader with Extra Anchovies?’ Or plain old ‘Chief Executive Officer’? Or, as a tribute to his own heroes, perhaps ‘Slowhand Air Kim’? Or, better yet, maybe he should do things differently.
I was born into the Cold War, where the prospect of mutually assured nuclear destruction was a subject we studied right after phys ed, so I’m used to talk of a looming apocalypse. But enough is enough. My message is simple: Kim Jong-Un – stop acting like a colossal turkey, albeit a turkey with access to uranium. If not, next time I run into you at Coles, I fully intended to express my displeasure in the clearest way imaginable, through either a well-timed Fitzroy uppercut, a nipple cripple or, possibly, both. Kim Jong-Un, you have been warned.