Last year, unsuspecting VCE students were given an exam question on the Russian revolution based on Nikolai Kochergin’s painting, ‘Storming of the Winter Palace.’ The examiners sourced a copy of the famous work from the Internet – it’s how things are done these days. But along with depictions of revolutionary hoards storming the palace gates the picture also featured an armed robot. The robot had not been a feature of the original work, perhaps as a matter of oversight, and was apparently added in by some Internet dweeb with way too much time on his hands.
Last year, unsuspecting VCE students were given an exam question on the Russian revolution based on Nikolai Kochergin’s painting, ‘Storming of the Winter Palace.’ The examiners sourced a copy of the famous work from the Internet – it’s how things are done these days. But along with depictions of revolutionary hoards storming the palace gates the picture also featured an armed robot. The robot had not been a feature of the original work, perhaps as a matter of oversight, and was apparently added in by some Internet dweeb with way too much time on his hands.
The robot, it must be said, appears to be quite a fearsome work of mechanical wonder. It has cannons in place of arms and a goose-like neck with something resembling a bazooka for a nose. It is clear from even the most cursory of glances that the robot in question is an awesome killing machine. It makes you wonder: why wouldn’t the Bolshevik forces use such an amazing piece of weaponry?
While conventional history would have you believe that the revolutionaries stormed the former home of Tsar Nicholas with little more than a stale piece of bread and a knitting needle, the truth is far darker. This was, after all, the first successful communist uprising. That they had help from futuristic robots and other advanced weapons goes a long way to explaining how the Soviet empire was formed.
The painting depicts the events of 25 October 1917. The Russian royal family had abdicated some months earlier and were in the process of trying to put together a Kardashian-style weekly documentary series to restore their good fortune. Sadly, the project never got off the ground and they were brutally executed the following year, a fate that is sadly yet to befall the Kardashians, despite my letters. A provisional government under the leadership of Alexander Kerenski had been established, and they occupied the royal family’s former home.
Just as Rome was not built in a day, neither was the Russian revolution. Vladimir Lenin had been in exile. Sensing that the time was right, he had returned to Russia from Finland two weeks earlier disguised as a train engineer. It’s a little known fact that aside from being a communist revolutionary and Theremin enthusiast, Vlad was a master of disguise. I’ll bet he wore an engineer’s cap, overalls and a neckerchief. I’d like to think he helped passengers with their luggage or even attempted to explain the pre-revolutionary version of the Myki ticketing system.
Arriving in St Petersburg, Lenin ditched his engineer duds and replaced them with a brown cloak and hood. It allowed him to walk through the city, unrecognized. Legend has it that when stopped by armed guards, Vladimir Lenin simply declined a request for identification papers by raising his arm and waving his hand slowly across their faces. In addition to his ability to control the minds of others, Vladimir was also something of an early riser and they decided storming the Winter Palace was something best done at two o’clock in the morning. Say what you will of the perils of communism, but their devotion to an early start has to be admired. That way, Lenin could bed-down the revolution well before breakfast and still make his regular Pilates and spin classes. Lenin later joked that this was an example of ‘class struggle’.
The revolution was something of an anti-climax in that the Russian Army was off fighting the First World War. Later, Lenin went on to say that they had found power lying in the streets and had simply ‘picked it up.’ Not that they knew it would be so easy. As a band of Red Guards approached the Winter Palace, they would have had little idea as to what awaited them. Lenin, fearless leader and part time train enthusiast that he was, led the way. Luckily, the joint was almost entirely abandoned. But turning towards the main ballroom, the would-be revolutionaries unexpectedly stumbled upon the remains of Alexander Kerenski’s provisional government. Immediately sensing danger, Lenin reached beneath his robe and activated his light saber. Somersaulting towards his would-be assailants as they fired off several shots from their laser blasters, Lenin used nearly every technique that his mentor, Yoda, had taught him. It was over within minutes. Having conquered the Winter Palace, Vladimir Lenin then returned to the Millennium Falcon and the forest moon of Endor for a party featuring Humphrey B. Bear’s midget cousins. These events are nowadays referred to as either ‘the Great October Socialist Revolution’ or, if preferred, simply as ‘Rocktober’.
The real painting is in Tchelyabinsk, so it’s no surprise the examiners resorted to the Internet. But I, for one, welcome the fact that the truth about the so-called ‘People’s Uprising’ has finally been exposed as the big robotic lie that it is. Sadly, of the nearly two and half thousand students who answered the question, only twenty-seven made reference to the robot. Apparently, the appearance of the mechanical death machine was too much for some. Little wonder. With so much at stake, few will have had the presence of mind to expose the Russian Bolshevik Revolution for the full-on Jedi freak-Festival that it was. Maybe next year.