My Life As A Tyrant

The worm has officially turned. For safety’s sake, it has used its indicator and checked its mirrors before doing so, but there can be no doubt. From this moment on everything is different. Assumptions that have set like concrete over the past four decades now count for nothing. It is officially year zero. That’s because my brother, Cam, turns forty this week. Although many families would celebrate this milestone with cake and some kind of present, I choose to recognise it in an altogether different fashion. Forget signing a card. Or even buying a present. This year, my brother’s birthday is about one simple thing: sweet, sweet revenge.
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Lawn Free: Bliss at Five Kilometres an Hour

There’s a moment – when man and machine are so completely fused that it is no longer possible to tell where flesh and bone end and steel and oil begin. It’s a kind of alchemy that cannot be imitated and, once lost, can never be retrieved. I had such a bond for a time. Not with a hotted up Commodore, Falcon or even the family Tarago. I had it with a ride on lawn mower.
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The Decline of Human Civilization – Part Three

It has come to this. After thousands if not millions of years of steady progress, the human species finally has given up on evolution and decided to grind to a halt. It is clear to me that there can be no going forward after this. As obstacles go, this one can only be described as ‘insurmountable’. For we may have survived plagues, wars and natural calamities with barely a misstep but there is little hope that we’ll ever get over ‘Gangnum Style’.
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For Those About to Rocktober

We made it. Despite everything, we have managed to endure eleven long, tedious months. I’ll be honest and say, at times, I wondered whether we’d ever finally get here. But we have. Thank goodness. For I have long believed that there are eleven months of the year that do little more than take up space on the calendar. When all is said and done, there’s only one month that truly matters. You can keep February. I care little for May and July and can take or leave March and June. They are trivial, meaningless months. The only month that is truly indispensible is Rocktober.
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