Dr Craig Emerson is more than just the Minister for Trade. He’s also a lousy singer. Indeed, to judge by his efforts last week slaughtering the Skyhooks song ‘Horror Movie’, karaoke night in Canberra must be a dismal affair. To watch him perform, it was impossible not to be reminded of those hapless souls who used to turn up to the ‘Idol’ auditions, convinced that they were the greatest thing to happen to singing since Caruso gave the larynx a wobble, only to be humiliated on national television because they sounded more like David Caruso than Enrico. This was much the same, except that the humiliation was self-inflicted. Indeed, mockery from the press pack was notable for its absence. It is a sad day for the free media when no one feels free enough to start booing or lobbing over-ripened fruit in response to such a woeful performance.
Dr Craig Emerson is more than just the Minister for Trade. He’s also a lousy singer. Indeed, to judge by his efforts last week slaughtering the Skyhooks song ‘Horror Movie’, karaoke night in Canberra must be a dismal affair. To watch him perform, it was impossible not to be reminded of those hapless souls who used to turn up to the ‘Idol’ auditions, convinced that they were the greatest thing to happen to singing since Caruso gave the larynx a wobble, only to be humiliated on national television because they sounded more like David Caruso than Enrico. This was much the same, except that the humiliation was self-inflicted. Indeed, mockery from the press pack was notable for its absence. It is a sad day for the free media when no one feels free enough to start booing or lobbing over-ripened fruit in response to such a woeful performance.
This was no heartfelt tribute. Rather, it was a tragic attempt at parody gone horribly wrong. One in which the Minister completely desecrated a song by replacing the original lyrics with some of his own invention. Skyhooks sang about a ‘Horror movie’ appearing on their television with the twist being that the program in question was, in fact, the 6.30 news. This, of course, was back in the days when news appeared at 6.30 rather than at times so various as to read like a bus schedule. The Minister’s lyrics included “no Whyalla wipe-out, there on my TV”. Let me say that replacing the original lyrics to a song to perpetrate some kind of parody is something of a rich tradition. But to effectively parody anything, it’s necessary to pay some level of attention to things like metre and rhyme. This is where Dr Emerson went so tragically wrong. It is clear that Weird Al Yankovic will not be looking over his shoulder any time soon.
But this was not a mere moment of madness, either. Sometimes people blame acts of lunacy on something referred to as a ‘brain snap’. Strictly speaking, this may not be a medical term. Pink Floyd put it better when they referred to ‘a momentary lapse of reason’. But no such claim can be made in this instance. For it has since emerged that this act of unparalleled musical butchery was the result of some significant level of consideration. Dr E’s lyrics, it would seem, were prepared in advance. He even went so far as to seek permission from one of the original members of the band. I can only assume that permission was granted without the benefit of hearing the words. The terrifying thing about that particular revelation is that it suggests that this is about the best we can expect from Minister Emerson.
It’s not the first time either. Last month, he performed, in part, the song ‘Living in the 70s’ whilst in the Parliamentary chamber. What Skyhooks did to deserve this kind of a beating is anybody’s guess. It has to be said, it’s not as though his original performance went over so well as to demand some kind of encore. It begs the question – what do you do when someone decides to pose a question to you in song form? Harmonise? Produce a Stratocaster and begin soloing? It’s hard to say. Maybe the best response to such a musical travesty would be to refer the Minister to a particular song by the singer Cee-Lo Green.
But whilst the natural response of most people hearing Dr Emerson’s golden throat belch out the lyrics to ‘Whyalla Wipe out’ would be to fall to the ground on bended knees, hands cupped to their bleeding eardrums and letting lose an anguished cry to the heavens of ‘why, oh lord, why?’, I much prefer to ask an altogether different question: what’s next?
Clearly, the Minister has a thing for Skyhooks. Surely day cannot be too far off when an unsuspecting general public are treated to a rendition of ‘All My Friends are Getting Increased Household Assistance’ or ‘Carbon Is Not a Dirty Word’. But why take such a narrow musical view? I’d like to see Dr Craig trip down through the ages. If Parliament can sacrifice an hour to listen to the member for Dobell, it can spare a few minutes to allow Minister Emerson to give his tonsils a proper shake. He could open with a tribute to classic doo-wop masters Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers with ‘Whyalla Do Fools Fall in Love?’ From there, he could take things up a notch and serve a steaming heap of classic eighties indie rock with REM’s ‘It’s the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)’.
Moving into the nineties, Minister Emerson should stay well away from grunge, as ‘grunge’ sounds like the kind of thing he might like to tax. Instead, he should select a tune from the repertoire of another musical doctor – Dr Dre. ‘Nuthin’ But a C Thang’ or ‘Combet Day (And Everybody’s Celebratin’)’ are obvious choices. Or, if he doesn’t feel he can bring the rhyme, then he could form a band and call himself ‘Craig against the Machine’. For something more recent, he could do worse than borrow from Willow Smith and her brain-worm of a tune ‘I Flick My Hair’ and adjust it to ‘I flick the lights on and off’.
It was another Minister of the Crown who put it best. Peter Garrett – who as a former professional singer is yet to burst into song about anything – tweeted that Dr Emerson was doing a great job….as a Trade Minister. Even his dancing was horrible. When the day of the big recital, there is one song that demands to be sung – ‘I Started a Joke’.