If there’s one thing I avoid like the plague, it’s clichés. But however tedious they may seem, it must be remembered that these turns of phrase were once ripe with meaning and have withered only through chronic overuse. Sheer familiarity has served to dull their impact to the point that they are now as blunt as the proverbial butterknife. Some are best left to retirement. Others, however, should be given a little spit and polish in order to drag them kicking and screaming into the digital age. This can either be done by updating to the language or by insisting that all use of cliché be subject to a strict and unforgiving regime of compliance. Indeed, only by enforcing these expressions and making sure that those around us walk the walk as well as talk the cliché-ridden talk can we ensure that these turns of phrase have anything resembling meaning. For example, a colleague recently announced to me that he was so busy that he didn’t have time to scratch himself. I took him at his word. Helpfully, I suggested that he enter a recurring appointment on his computer complete with audio reminder alarm so that he could lock in some uninterrupted, quality scratching time.
If there’s one thing I avoid like the plague, it’s clichés. But however tedious they may seem, it must be remembered that these turns of phrase were once ripe with meaning and have withered only through chronic overuse. Sheer familiarity has served to dull their impact to the point that they are now as blunt as the proverbial butterknife. Some are best left to retirement. Others, however, should be given a little spit and polish in order to drag them kicking and screaming into the digital age. This can either be done by updating to the language or by insisting that all use of cliché be subject to a strict and unforgiving regime of compliance. Indeed, only by enforcing these expressions and making sure that those around us walk the walk as well as talk the cliché-ridden talk can we ensure that these turns of phrase have anything resembling meaning. For example, a colleague recently announced to me that he was so busy that he didn’t have time to scratch himself. I took him at his word. Helpfully, I suggested that he enter a recurring appointment on his computer complete with audio reminder alarm so that he could lock in some uninterrupted, quality scratching time.
At first, my colleague looked at me as though I either had a few kangaroos loose in the top paddock or was a few sandwiches short of a picnic, in which case it is almost certain that the marauding marsupials that were to blame. Although I thoughtfully sent an electronic invitation under the subject heading ‘scratch yourself’, this proved to be the straw that broke the camel’s back. This surprised me in that he had not previously mentioned owning a camel although I do remember he once had a cat. And whilst straw is to camels what kryptonite is to Superman, cats are entirely straw-resistant. Rather, felines specialize in two things – bags and tongues.
People often speak of letting the cat out of the bag. Personally, I am not much a fan of cats and am quite happy to leave them in there and allow fate to take its natural course. But bag or no bag, it’s common to hear someone ask whether the cat’s got your tongue. Presumably the animal was first let out of the bag before immediately seizing possession of some poor individual’s muscular hydrostat. Even if the cat manages – through some miracle – to get out of the bag and take someone’s tongue hostage, it still runs the risk of imperiling itself through the mere act of asking a question. It was, after all, curiosity that killed the cat rather than the bag. I explained all this to my colleague, who now avoids eye contact.
But regardless of how you feel about camels or cats, when it comes to using clichés, you can run but you can’t hide. This, presumably, is because you live in a desert, as deserts have notoriously few places to hide in rather than, for example, a heavily wooded area with an undulating terrain. But whilst such an environment heavily impedes your ability to secrete yourself far from the general gaze, you will almost certainly have the consolation of being able to put your head in the sand. Even then, you won’t escape the world of the cliché.
There are many different types of clichés. For songwriters, any reference to a person ‘walking through the door’ is a near-unforgivable crime. Without fail, the person ‘walking through the door’ will be a lost paramour over whom the songwriter has twisted in melancholy agony for the song’s duration. In a development that would surely alarm cardiologists everywhere, it the songwriter’s heart will often then ‘hit the floor’. Squelch! This is a key example of a cliché being riddled with inaccuracy. It is unlikely that a romantic interest will walk through a door so much as a doorway, although the idea of some mystery lady blasting a solid piece of timber clear off its hinges through sheer dent of force would make for a compelling visual if not an interesting song.
Some clichés are now painfully out of date and need a good rebooting for the modern age. These days, a bird in the hand is an arguable case of animal cruelty and to describe people as being as thick as thieves sounds like a slight on their mental function. An ace in the hole is best dealt with by way of surgery under local anaesthetic whilst a bone of contention is surely offensive to vegetarians. ‘Gun for hire’ is plainly militaristic and should be replaced by ‘peace-loving opportunist available on an invoice basis’. A warning to refrain from counting your chickens before they hatch is meaningless to anyone who doesn’t own a pair of gumboots whilst a ‘skeleton in the closet’ is less about revealing a mystery as it is grounds for questioning, if not outright arrest. Finally, the phrase ‘the carrot and the stick’ has no place in our sophisticated society. Given that people’s palates have evolved and that our understanding of the environment has deepened, this phrase will be updated to ‘duck terrine with wine-glazed shallots and a reduced jus and recycled ocean driftwood pointing device’.
Let’s not beat around the bush – I really must do better. It won’t be easy, but when the going gets tough, the tough get going. From now on, everything I say will be meaningful and if I do need to resort to the use of a cliché, I will ensure that it’s more than just a string of words but that I mean every syllable. You can, should you wish, mark my words.