Alec the Artichoke slept like a log
Asleep on a cloud in the Great Land of Nod
Snoring while tucked in a bed made of lettuce
Sleeping so deep, Snow White would be jealous
He was as sleepy as vegetables get
Not just catching ‘z’s but the whole alphabet
Alec was peaceful, just catching some kip
Until he was stirred by an almighty drip
The drip was the size of an elephant’s tear
And dripped from the sky into poor Alec’s ear
It rudely awoke the slumbering Alec
As he sat upright in a quick flood of panic
What was that? bellowed Alec, flustered and wet
Sopping and angry and very upset
He then cast his eye up towards the ceiling
And what Alec saw sent the artichoke reeling
Mere words can’t describe how poor Alec felt
When he saw the sky had started to melt
The artichoke leapt to his feet and declared
His voice all a-tremble because he was scared
The sky is a-leak he cried and repeated
So loud it ensured that sleep was unseated
Startled at hearing so anguished a cry
The vegies awoke wiping sleep from their eyes
For a moment they stood in absolute silence
Their mouths open wide at this vision of violence
It was Boris the Bean who said it out loud
I don’t understand how it rains without clouds
Huge drops of water fell out of the air
And those in the fridge could only but stare
Penelope Pea soon started to weep
As water began to rise ‘round her feet.
We’ll be washed away, she said through her sobbing
As large drops of water continued on dropping
Poor Rodney Rocket and all the Rockettes
Took sudden leave of their common sense
Then all the cheeses, fell to their kneeses
And snivelling snow peas started to sneezes
Terry the Turnip turned quite hysterical
And Boris Bean’s eyes were wide open and spherical
All of them slowly turning quite manic
As they descended deep into panic
Captain Asparagus could surely save us!
Declared a watermelon named Mavis
Without hesitation the others agreed
And some even let themselves feel relieved
But even before they could say ‘hallelujah’
Alec could not help but feel quite peculiar
There’s something not right he said in a whisper
Standing on top of the vegetable crisper
Then like a flash he quickly recalled
Why the Captain was not in the vegetable drawer
Saying louder than he might have desired
Have you forgotten the Captain retired?
The vegetables collectively stopped in their tracks
And those that were cheering began to relax
Their mouths from a smile back into a frown
As all of them suddenly felt quite let down
Captain Asparagus had devoted his time
Maintaining the peace and battling crime
But he’d done his job a little too well
So well in fact it was quite hard to tell
Whether he simply fought crime in his stride
Or was lazing about on his backside
The lack of activity caused them to mutter
In clandestine meetings behind the butter
The vegies, believing their foe was defeated
Decided the Captain was no longer needed
They thought it was safe and made him retire
So gave him a send off, complete with a choir
Captain Asparagus walked into the distance
And called it a day at the vegies’ insistence
He packed up his things, and climbed out of the drawer
And decided he would not fight crime anymore
It all counts for little, the poor Captain thought
As he left the crisper and headed up North
Up through the shelves to the colder high reaches
Leaving behind the apples and peaches
The beans and the carrots, the peas and the fennel
Alone and unwanted, he slept in a kennel
He built from a tub of old margarine
It was ugly but it kept him warm, dry and clean
It was here the old Captain now spent the hours
His heart broken up, refusing to shower
Giving away the last of his health
Til he was a shadow of his former self
He stopped working out and then grew a beard
And to an outsider, it probably appeared
Captain Asparagus had let himself go
As he lived in the ice, the sleet and the snow
Back at the crisper, things grew more strained
And as drips kept on dripping down just like rain
The water kept rising much like the tide
As they swallowed it, along with their pride
The tension grew tight, just like a girdle
The air grew so sour that it made the milk curdle
Until the tension was pierced by a whistle
That shot through the fridge with the force of a missile.
I’ll save the day, a voice loudly declared
But when they turned around there was nobody there
Up here came a call, and they all looked above
To see a masked Mango, in a cape wearing gloves
Who are you? They cried. Tell us your plan
– I’m your new superhero, the Great Mango Man
I’m here with my sidekick, the Dynamite Spud
And we have a plan to save you from this flood
The old cauliflower was quickly all ears
As the water kept rising and his toes disappeared
And a tiny potato in a wrestling mask
Emerged from behind a big cardboard cask
He stood at the ready, his hands on his hips
And a message he wanted to shout on his lips
The way to get through this hour so dark
Is if we all pull together and build us an ark
With what shall be build it? The vegetables cried
The mango and spud, their eyes open wide
Looked deeply confused in response to the question
As the air filled with the scent of dissension
They stood doing nothing except getting older
And Mango Man answered by shrugging his shoulders
The mango and spud offered nothing but silence
As the water kept rising turning them into islands
The smiles on their faces soon turned to the ground
As the mango and spud began to turn ‘round
And start to run just as fast as they could
Into the distance to leave them for good
As they disappeared, the Artichoke sighed
Wasn’t that just a fat waste of time?
The watery drips had turned to a trickle
Leaving the vegetables in quite a pickle
Alec stood tall, gazing over the crop
Someone must journey their way to the top
Away from the water in search of assistance
If we are going to mount some resistance
– But who can assist us? They said in a chorus
Who would be willing to do something for us?
The artichoke yelled You’re acting like anarchists!
I must go in search of Captain Asparagus!
But it’s cold at the top! Said Penelope Pea
At most maybe two or perhaps three degrees
Alec was mindful it would not be much fun
But knew it was something that had to be done
With the water now rising up to their knees
Their limbs and their muscles had started to seize
There was no time to waste and no time to ponder
As Alec got ready to climb over yonder
Rugged up to the hilt, Alec prepared
To climb to the top, even though he was scared
To go just in case he ended up frozen
From the top of his tips right down to his toes, and
As Alex started to climb to a shelf
The vegies below wished him speed and good health
He climbed and he climbed until he was dizzy
Climbing so hard his breath became busy
He caught his breath and looked over the edge
His artichoke hands holding on to the ledge
Below on the crisper, he then looked in front
And was so surprised he go of a grunt
Is anyone there? Asked a white paper packet
What could it be making all of this racket?
– Who are you? said Alec, beginning to shake
As he stepped closer and started to quake
Under here, said a voice as old as blue cheese
Stop wasting time and unwrap me please!
Alec, still weary after all of his travel
Nevertheless began to unravel
The bundle of paper until he released
A gigantic fish from the depth of the seas
Holy Mackerel! Said Alec, falling about
No Sir! Said the fish. I’m a deep ocean trout.
Excuse me said Alec I don’t mean to disturb you
But I’m in search of a long green stem, who
Was the greatest crime-fighter that you’ve ever seen
A mean, lean and green crime- fighting machine
The trout shook his head, I can’t help you out
The people up here don’t want to be found
You’d be better off if you’d leave him alone
Turn around now and go on back home
I don’t have a choice the artichoke said
His limbs as stale as an old piece of bread
And as the cold started to bite at his heels
He wondered just how the Captain must feel
To live in a place that was so cold and miserable
To be all alone and nearly invisible
We need him said Alec It’s as simple as that
I must keep on looking and then bring him back
The deep ocean trout did not give a sermon
He could tell Alec was clearly determined
If you must, he said, in reluctant agreement
Just promise me now that you truly mean it
– Mean what? Asked the artichoke scratching his neck
– Mean you’ll treat the Captain with love and respect
And with that he understood what the trout meant
And knew that he must now resume his ascent
There’s no time to lose said Alec abruptly
As he scrambled quicker than Humpty Dumpty
He continued on climbing up through the frost
His limbs like lead and counting the cost
Until he reached the topper most shelf
And waited a moment to compose himself
When there in the corner he noticed a figure
And as he drew in, the figure got bigger
Dishevelled, unshaven and lounging about
A frown on his face and his guts hanging out
Oh Captain said Alec, What have we done
To you that’s so bad that it’s made you become
An unhappy ending to a once-happy story
Little more than a shadow of your former glory?
From under the brim of a beaten up hat
The Captain stared, asking, What are you looking at?
Alec responded, I don’t mean to pry
But the water is rising and we’re all going to die!
Captain Asparagus leapt to his feet
Before slipping over the ice and the sleet
Don’t panic he said as he picked himself up
Smoothed back his hair and sucked in his gut
Captain Asparagus will soon save the day
He cried as he felt his trousers give way
However, he said to the young artichoke
As he reattached a flowing red cloak
And Alec leaned in and he did his best
To listen to whatever the Captain said next
There’s just one little problem I need to fix
Would you be willing to be my side-kick?
The Captain asked Alec, adding as he did
I hereby rename you the Artichoke Kid!
The Captain and Alec took off like thunder
The Asparagus spear and Artichoke wonder
Down through the shelves and past the dairy
At such a speed it was really quite scary
Meanwhile the vegies were very upset
The hands of the water wrapped round their necks
Save us! They wailed as the water closed in
Until it began to tickle their chins
Fear not! Cried the Captain, I’ll save the day
For justice, truth and the Asparagus way!
Beside him stood the Artichoke Kid
Standing on top of a margarine lid
Together they ran just as fast as they could
While the vegies below just silently stood
And watched as they leapt with an almighty roar
And crashed with great speed into the fridge door
They crashed with such force, it threatened to dent them
Such was their speed and sense of momentum
The door of the fridge then flew open wide
And the vegies washed out of the fridge like the tide
Onto a vast open plain made of lino
Where are we? They asked and the Captain said I know
The vegies fell quiet and gathered around
Listening quite hard, not making a sound
We’re in a place where we can start over
Where life is as sweet as a giant pavlova
Adding just as a tear pushed on through
Where all of your wildest dreams can come true
– Look over there! cried the Artichoke Kid
And the vegies all gasped aloud as they did
For just past the open fly wire screen
Was the prettiest thing that they’d ever seen
A wide open door and a glowing so bright
Drawing them t’wards the gentle sun light
As they reached the door, they fell from a stair
And suddenly found themselves in the fresh air
This is amazing whispered the Captain
Caught in a daze until somebody slapped him
Don’t you see shouted Alec, without saying pardon
You’ve managed to lead us all back to the garden
The vegetables were all extremely excited
As many of them found themselves reunited
With loved ones they’d lost and friends they’d forgotten
With vegies they long assumed had turned rotten
They danced and sang for all they were worth
Hugging and rolling themselves in the earth
Under the gaze of the lucky old sun
The vegetables spent the whole day having fun
Penelope Pea was as pleased as could be
Boris the Bean was calm and serene
Terry the Turnip and the Melon named Mavis
Could not remove the smiles from their faces
Rodney Rocket and old Colonel Corn
Had not felt so good since the day they were born
They each enjoyed every minute and hour
From the baby peas up to the old cauliflower
They’d made an error, that much was clear,
In throwing the Captain out on his ear
And as their home turned into a lake
The vegies admitted they’d made a mistake
By taking a chance they then uncovered
An entire world they would not have discovered
If not for the fact that trouble had found them
Crawled in behind and tried to surround them
This is the story of Captain Asparagus
How he beat the odds and defied the averages
Who, along with the Artichoke Kid
Did something as good as anyone did
By not allowing his heart to harden
And leading the vegetables back to the garden
So with all of his soul and not just a fraction
The Captain watched on with great satisfaction
For this is the story of Captain Asparagus
Who saved the fruits, the beets and the cabbages
When water came dripping and they felt accosted
And helped them escape when the fridge was defrosted
The asparagus spear, who was to learn,
What made him great which saw him return
Braver than he had been ever before
The greatest superhero in the vegetable drawer.