The Man From Kazakhstan

The Man from Kazakhstan.



There was a man from Kazakhstan, with a moustache on his face.

He came to Narre Warren after he fell from outer space.

He trawled the streets for children until he came to Springfield Drive.

He wanted them for dinner – to eat them while alive.


He came to number thirty eight, and waltzed right up the drive

And rapped upon the door, until a boy, aged five

Named Jumping Jake appeared, and asked Just who are you?

– I am the man from Kazakhstan and I’ve come to dine on you.


Jumping Jake let out a scream, louder than any other

Slammed shut the door and with great speed, went to find his brother.

Jumping Jake yelled Brodie! As he burst into his room

I saw a man from Kazakhstan, who’s come to bring our doom.


A man from Kazakhstan? Said Brode. It’s such a lovely place

I’ll bet you ready money that he’s come from outer space.

He leapt to his computer and jumped on the internet

And pretty soon he’d figured out just who young Jake had met.


The men of Kazakhstan wouldn’t do us any damage.

They don’t eat kids for dinner – They prefer peas and cabbage.

Then Brodie pushed a button, and found out what was what

He’s definitely an alien and he’s from the planet SNOT.


– The Planet Snot! Cried Jake. But that’s my favourite place!

As he wiped away the remnants of the planet from his face.

– And he’s not a human being said Brode. His disguise will not fool me.

For aliens from Planet Snot are known as Bunburies.


Tell me Jake, said Brodie. Could you describe this fella?

I’ll bet he had a moustache that is really an antenna.

– He did have a moustache said Jake. It stretched across his face

Does he use it to get messages from his home in outer space?


No, said Brode, he doesn’t. It just mostly hides his lips

And he tunes into the radio, to pick up cooking tips.

Just then they heard a rattling, and a banging at the door

It seemed the Man from Kazakhstan had come for them once more.


I have a plan, said Brodie. So go get Napping Noah.

We’ll make ourselves a trap, He said, just as his voice dropped lower.

Jumping Jake went tearing off to find his younger brother

Who was lying fast asleep, under a doona cover.


I am the Man from Kazakhstan, said a voice from the front door.

I’m so hungry for my dinner that I’m going to eat you raw!

– You’re not a man from Kazakhstan. You’re nothing but a phony.

You’re a Bunbury through and through, yelled out Jake and Brodie.


The Man from Kazakhstan fell still and everything was quiet.

Until he roared in anguish and he started up a riot.

How did you know? he howled aloud. You seem to know a lot.

That I am just a Bunbury? And I’m from the Planet Snot?


– You’ve a Bunbury look about you and a very Bunbury face

You’re not a man from Kazakhstan, you’re just a big disgrace.

As Brodie finished speaking, he heard a Bunbury sniffle.

– Well, if I can’t have kids for dinner, how about a sausage sizzle?


Jake got quite excited and he wanted to agree

But Brodie wasn’t sure, so he asked cautiously:

I thought aliens ate children? I dare you to deny it!

– That might be true, he answered. But I’ll try and change my diet.


– I don’t like the sound of this, as the seconds all grew slower

I think it’s time we activated ‘Operation Noah’.

Let’s bring Noah to the door, and don’t forget the doona.

I can’t believe I waited, I should have done this sooner!


Growing tired of waiting and wanting some results

The Bunbury from Planet Snot started sucking out the bolts,

That held the door upon its frame and he sounded an alert –

He’d eat Jake and Brode for dinner, and Noah for dessert.


The door fell off its hinges and there in all his splendour

Stood the Bunbury from Snot, carrying a blender.

I’ll blend you up for dinner, I’ll toast you for hors d’oeuvres

And wash it down with petrol when I want to quench my thirst.


As he stood in the doorway, he was a most disturbing fellow.

And when he smiled his lips unveiled his teeth all chipped and yellow.

His hands were like meat cleavers, his eyes were green and wonky

His breath so foul and rancid it could probably kill a donkey.


It’s fair to say you can’t describe the fear that they were feeling

And as the creature entered, Noah dropped down from the ceiling

Carrying the doona, he covered up the Bunbury

The alien went berserk, and yelled to all and sundry:

How did you know, how did you guess the best way to defeat us?

How did you boys uncover, my one and only weakness?


It’s simple, answered Brodie, as they all sighed in relief

To beat a man from Planet Snot, you need a handkerchief.

– Curse you, yelled the alien, I want to go back home.

Back to Planet Snot, where wild Bunburies roam.


I didn’t ask to be here or to cause you any terror.

I came to Narre Warren because I clearly made an error.

I was aiming for the moon, but it seems that I’m off course

And I wasn’t hunting children, I was looking for my horse


– That’s not true! Yelled Jake – I can tell you boys his name!

The horse’s name is Dennis and he has a silver mane.

And wings upon his back, for he’s no ordinary horse

– Can he fly through outer space? They asked.

The Bunbury said Of course!


So they went in search of Dennis, determined not to fail

And found him at the letter box, feasting on the mail.

They loaded up the Bunbury, onto his horse named Dennis

And gave him such a warning and a promise for his penance.


No more eating children, said Noah, Brode and Jake.

– I promise said the Bunbury. That I’ll swap from kids to steak.

And with that he waved good bye, and he rode off into space,

The Bunbury from Planet Snot with a moustache on his face


The boys went back inside, as if all was hunky dory

Jake played the piano, and Brodie wrote a story.

He sat at his computer and began to write a lot,

Not of a man from Kazakhstan but of a Bunbury from Snot.


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