The Adventures of Captain Asparagus and Squash Boy
This is the story of Captain Asparagus
Friend to the fruits and the beets and the cabbages
Who upholds the peace and who upholds the law
The greatest superhero in the vegetable drawer
He’s green and he’s tall and he’s very heroic
In the cold face of fear he’s strong and he’s stoic
To any bad fruit he says See you later,
The Captain fights crime in the refrigerator
Whatever the problem, he’s up to the task
Dressed for success in a cape and a mask
His head always high, a smile on his lips
Standing astride with his hands on his hips
He defends the sick and supports the sad
From a green esca-pea or good apple turned bad
But in spite of success, he felt unfulfilled
It was no longer enough to be crispy and chilled
Because things could be lonely for Captain Asparagus
As he battled the creeps, the kooks and the savages
And before you could get to the end of this sentence
He decided that he needed to find an apprentice
Word soon traveled out to the brothers and sisters
From the freezer up top right down to the crisper
Everyone lining up had a single ambition
– They hoped above hope to pass the audition
Carrots, celery, artichoke, rocket
From the hinge of the fridge right down to the socket
But none of them seemed to quite fit the bill
And the Captain resigned to keep searching still
The Captain then sighed and said – No one seems right
I’ve seen so many people I’m losing my sight.
I need a pal, a buddy, I want a compadre
A need a boy wonder to my kemosabe
Perhaps I can help? came a voice from behind
The Captain turned round, only to find
A tiny pipsqueak who looked shrunk from the wash
A small yellow fellow, nothing more than a squash.
It’s a squash! cried the Captain, his face screwing up.
You’re no more than a child, you’re no more than a pup.
– Silence! commanded the squash as he stood.
I may be small but I’m committed to good.
And I will not rest and I will not fail,
Until evil is smote and goodness prevails.
The Captain was shocked and sat up in surprise
At the steely hard look in the young squash’s eyes
In that case, he said. We shall not be coy.
From this day forth you’ll be known as Squash Boy.
You’ll defend every cheese, every bean, every grape,
Whenever you’re wearing your mask and your cape.
– I’ll not let you down, said the squash as he grinned
He put on his mask, saying, Now let’s begin.
And so came a time of unheard of stability
As the Captain and Squash Boy used all their ability
To ensure that any malfeasance would cease
And that all those who lived in the fridge lived in peace.
Then, one morning, as the fridge was still sleeping
There was heard a slight rattle, followed by creaking
It was clear that this was no ordinary day
As the entire front side of the world peeled away
And out of the mass of intensified light
Came a hideous beast, such a hideous sight
It was hairless and headless and had five long necks
That reached into the fridge without fear or respect
The creature seemed intent on helping itself
As it preyed on the contents of shelf after shelf
Look out! It’s coming, cried Cameron the Carrot
Squawking and squeaking, sounding just like a parrot
Becky the Bean could not look any longer
As the creature drew close until it drew up along her
And just as it seemed that all hope was lost
And Becky would bear the most terrible cost
There came a blood-curdling cry from way up on high
As the Captain prepared himself to reply
Hey you there! Hey creature! Enough is enough
And to get its attention, flicked the lights on and off
Why don’t you try stalking an asparagus spear?
And when you do that, you’ll be out on your ear,
Or you would if you had some, you bad bald-faced freak!
Come do your worst if you’ve still got the cheek!
The vile creature paused and then started to rise
Which caught Captain Asparagus a bit by surprise
I think he heard me! Despite not having ears.
Squash Boy? – Oh Captain my Captain, I’m here!
Squash Boy stood astride a huge Champagne bottle
As he loosened the wire to give it full throttle
Captain Asparagus said, Have you gone berserk?
Do really think launching your self’s going to work?
– Now’s not the time to be faint of heart!
Said his loyal sidekick as he prepared to depart
It’s time for action, because there’s been enough talk
So make yourself useful and loosen this cork.
As the creature closed in, our heroes prepared
To send the young Squash Boy flying into the air
Good luck old pal! the Captain did say
– Good luck to you because I’ll be okay,
Said the squash as the cork finally gave way
Taking Squash Boy along with the cool champagne spray
The explosion frightened the creature, alright
As Squash Boy flew off and into the light
Squash Boy! Come back! cried the Captain in vain.
Squash boy? he whimpered again and again
The creature was angry and took the bottle away
With such brutal force it made the shelf sway.
I cannot hang on! said a Tomato named Thomas
If I should fall, will you make me this promise?
– Anything Tom, said the Captain, Just say.
– Thank Squash boy for driving the creature away.
And with that, poor Thomas fell from the shelf
And the good Captain winced at the sound of a squelch
Poor Thomas, he said. And my faithful boy wonder.
I feel so torn up that I’m ready to chunder.
As they all gathered round with nothing to say
The Captain stood up and said, Lettuce pray.
Lawrence the Lettuce bowed his gigantic head
An offered a short quiet thought for the dead.
From this moment on, swore Captain Asparagus,
I’ll suffer no pain, I’ll ignore the ravages.
And even if I’m forced to go it alone,
I’ll go and find Squash Boy and I’ll bring him home.
There followed a silence, a momentary pause
Until everyone burst into tears and applause
While those around him were still drying their eyes
The Captain prepared and packed his supplies
If I don’t return, remember me please
As one who stood up for all fruit and cheese
Who fought for the former and defended the latter
As someone who believed that vegetable matters
The Captain prised open the giant fridge door
And ever so gently dropped himself to the floor
With his mouth hanging wide just like a tortoise
He gasped at a world so absolutely ginormous
I’m shocked, I’m stunned, I’m conflabulated
That a world such as this was ever created.
The Captain crept quietly with maximum stealth
Till he reached the bottom rung of a shelf
He climbed and he climbed until he just had to stop
Because the good Captain had climbed to the top
And when he got there, the Captain was speechless
It was there he found Squash Boy sliced up into pieces
Oh Squash Boy! he said, as he burst into tears
Which is unheard of for an asparagus spear
Don’t cry, came a voice, Don’t cry please
The Captain turned around and got up off his knees
He almost forgot what he was weeping about
As he saw before him a green brussell sprout
I’m Captain Asparagus, Ma’am, How do you do?
– Not so well, and it’s Ms Brussell to you.
– Ms Brussell, I ask you whatever’s the worry?
There’s no need for fear, there’s no need to be sorry.
– Well I do not know if you have noticed or not,
But you’re standing beside a gigantic pot,
And inside that pot is boiling hot water
Into which I’ll be dumped like a lamb to the slaughter.
– Fear not Ms Brussell, it will do you no harm,
He cried as he bundled her into his arms
And leapt from the bench, down onto the floor
And dashed with great speed back towards the fridge door
But just as they did, they heard something purr
And were blocked by a monster all covered in fur.
Stand aside! cried the Captain. Monster be gone!
Before the monster could tell what was going on
The Captain jumped up and over its paw
And landed gently back down on the floor
Oh Captain my Captain! cried out Ms Brussell
As the good Captain used all of his muscles
To open the door to the fridge and run home
Back to the crisper and back to his own
There he saw gathered each individual
Bowing their heads in a candlelit vigil
Until Kate Coriander said Look over there!
And they all turned around and started to stare.
Captain you’re back! They cried in a cheer
I’m back said the Captain, And it’s good to be here.
Allow me to introduce Ms Brussell Sprout
Who’ll tell you what I did, while I was out
The Captain stood proudly, hands by his side
As people applauded, their smiles dial-wide
That night they were thankful for the Captain’s return
And also were mindful of all that they’d learned
That you should be thankful for every day
And how you miss people when they go away
For this is the story of Captain Asparagus
Friend to the fruits and the beets and the cabbages
Who lost his Boy Wonder but rescued a sprout
Which is exactly what being a hero’s about
And even if fear always knows where to find you
You can still be courageous if someone reminds you
This is the story of Captain Asparagus
Friend to the fruits and the beets and the cabbages
Who upholds the peace and who upholds the law
The greatest superhero in the vegetable drawer