The Blood Curdling Tale of Savage Henry.
Take and eye for and eye and a tooth for a tooth
And you’ll soon be blind and toothless, to boot
But if you’re a pirate, you’ll live by this code
In poem, in prose, in play or in ode
In a pale blue shack, perched by a creek
Lived a pirate called Henry who rarely did speak
His skin was like leather and his hair was like cotton
And inside his mouth, his teeth were all rotten
There on his neck was a permanent bruise
His arms and his hands were the home to tattoos
With rings on his fingers and a giant belt buckle
And the words ‘love’ and ‘hate’ spelled out on his knuckles.
He wore an eye patch and had a leg made of wood
He grunted and cursed like a good pirate should
From each of his ears there hung gold doubloons
Each the size and the shape of the moon.
On his left shoulder, just trying to hold on
Was a one-legged parrot named Algernon.
With a patch on his eye, just like his master
Algie forever predicted disaster
They’ll never be back, we’ve been abandoned
Shrieked Algie, It’s worse than I ever imagined
Parrot, be quiet! Henry did say
The squeak of your beak is spoiling my day
For Henry simply did not need reminding
About their predicament so clear and blinding
He’d spend every day on a chair in the damp
Sitting so still he’d develop a cramp
With his one seeing eye, not giving hope
He’d stare at the sea through an old telescope
For pirates are prone to having the irrits
When stranded on land – it weighs on their spirits
It was Tuesday just past when it did come to be
The SS Kalinka left Henry and Algie
They did it on purpose, they said they’d be back
And left them to wait in a broken down shack
Captain Fantastic had sailed through the heads
Hoisting the mainsail as he turned and said
We’ve run out of milk so we’re off to the market
We’ve no time to lose, you’ll just have to park it
There on your chair. You and your bird
We’ll be back in ten minutes. You have my word!
As minutes ticked on, they turned into hours
Which turned into days and as Henry grew sour
The side of his mouth turned down to the floor
And he cussed and cursed even more than before
Even Algernon’s feathers had started to droop
When they ran out of food and resorted to gloop.
(If you’ve not heard of gloop, if the term’s unfamiliar
Then you’re lucky you’ve not had to eat it for dinner
It’s mud and it’s worms, and some shredded gum leaves
And it tastes so foul that you’d never believe
That anyone in their right mind would consume it
With a knife or a fork or even to spoon it
Is an affront to all things gastronomical
What it does to your guts nigh-on phenomenal
But enough about gloop. It’s really not relevant
It’s just that it makes you break wind like an elephant
Eyes shut as he ate – he couldn’t bear looking
Henry would dream of Italian cooking.)
Hour after hour and day after day
All Henry’s hope slowly withered away
As each minute passed, his stomach would churn
He realized Kalinka would never return
It’s apparent, dear parrot, that we are forsaken
I’ll tell you that it leaves my confidence shaken.
Here by the creek, I’m starting to pall
– I barely feel like a pirate at all.
It’s simple, said Algie, The answer is clear
You’ll just have to resume your pirate career
But instead of the ocean, you’ll be on land
Instead of a cutlass, make do with your hands
– That’s blasphemy parrot! Shrieked Henry in anguish
I’d rather give in, stay here and languish
– Come now, said Algie, And pull up your sock
You’re not being rational. I think you’re in shock
It won’t be the same, Poor Henry complained
Well of course not, you goose! The parrot explained
It’s going to be different, but you still ought to try
There’s no point holding back, no need to be shy.
There’s no point in waiting in this broken down shack
For something that just might not ever come back
The more Henry thought, the more it was clear
And it quickly gave hope to the old buccaneer
By the time I set foot in that sorry old town
I’ll be the best pirate that’s going around.
I don’t need a cutlass or ship or a cannon
I’ll be more frightening than you could imagine
– Now that’s more like it, sang out Algernon
I knew you could do it, I knew all along!
Come parrot, said Henry, Now let us prepare
To wreak havoc and mayhem and create despair
Together they trundled off down into town
With Henry’s face all scrunched up in a frown
Ready to plunder, to loot and to pillage,
Henry and Algie soon came to the village
When they got to the town, they walked down the street
There was no one around – no one to meet
But Henry kept looking, at Algie’s insistence
Until they saw someone off in the distance
On a park bench, there sat an old man
Aha! Whispered Henry. And now for my plan
He snuck up behind on his one tippy-toe
And said in a voice all gravelly and low
Ahoy there me hearty, prepare to be boarded
By the scariest pirate that was ever recorded
In history’s page or in any other
So what do you say, you vile land lubber?
The old man looked up, and slowly breathed out
And rolled his false teeth around in his mouth
Oh dear, he said. I think you’ve made an error
I’m far too bored to be cowering in terror
Poor Henry’s face was seized with surprise
As the old man looked him dead in the eyes
Just what do you think you’re trying to achieve?
I’ve seen more frightening things after I sneeze
Pausing for breath, but not for too long
The old man’s barrage continued along
And has anyone told you that you have no manners?
Your hygiene is poor and as for your grammar
It’s not so much bad as it is non existent
You really can’t blame me for being resistant
Henry was unsure of how to reply
He fiddled about with the patch on his eye
What if I threaten to feed you to sharks?
– There aren’t any sharks! We’re here in a park!
– Or tell you that you have to go walk the plank?
When the old man just laughed, Henry’s heart sank
If none of these things can fill you with fear
Forgive me for asking, but why are you here?
– You’ll understand one day when you’re older
He answered, his hand on Henry’s right shoulder
I’ve spent every day of my life in this town
From sun coming up to sun going down
I wonder how happy this old man would be
If only I’d spent my life out to sea
Over the water and to the horizon
Each brand new day would bring a surprise and
I get a feeling, much more than a notion
That I could be happy just sailing the ocean
And with that poor Henry was quite overcome
Before he knew it, he’d started to run
And from his eyes there poured floods of tears
The words of the old man still caught in his ears
As Algernon squeaked, Henry slow down!
Henry dramatically fell to the ground
This just won’t work – it’s not meant to be
Somehow I’ve got to get back to the sea
I’ll build my own boat, there’s nothing else for it
I’ll hammer and bend, I’ll snap and I’ll saw it.
He started by busting the shack into bits
He didn’t have tools so he just used his mitts
He worked up a lathery sweat that was sizeable
Until the fruit of his labour became recognisable
Algie asked How do you know it will float?
Henry said, Algie, it’s not the first boat
That I have constructed from raw materials
I’m relying on science, not something ethereal.
And when it was built, Henry stood proudly
What a fantastic boat the pirate said loudly
To think of the trouble that I had to wrestle
Time I should have been building this vessel
They waited all day and they waited all night
Until the tides and conditions were right
Then on Tuesday morning, August the second,
Henry decided that destiny beckoned
He hauled up the anchor and raised up the sail
As Algie stood perched near the mast on a nail
He sang a sea shanty as they departed
That was way out of tune even before they had started
Into the creek and down to the river
The wind cold enough that timber would shiver
It’s safe to say Henry felt quite terrific
The moment his boat finally reached the Pacific
I tell you Algie, I never felt finer
I’m prouder of this boat than an ocean liner
The parrot responded, While you’re tickled pink
You’ve failed to notice we’re starting to sink.
Henry looked down, his thoughts in a tangle
Saw water rush in and lap at his ankles
Algie be quick and man the life craft!
Said Henry before he quickly felt daft
For they’d not prepared for an emergency
But now they were feeling incredible urgency
To rescue themselves from disaster before
They both came to grief down on the sea floor
Algie then squawked and started to fly
Don’t worry Henry! I won’t let you die
I’m off to find help and to raise the alarm
Whatever you do, just try and stay calm
And with that all said, Algie departed
Leaving old Henry quite broken hearted
The ocean then started to swallow the boat
And water lapped up around poor Henry’s throat
I’m done for, said Henry. From my feet to my knocker
It looks like I’m headed for Davy Jones’ locker
As Henry gave up and breathed his last gasp
A dolphin delivered him out of harm’s clasp
As he shuffled away from the coil so mortal
Henry was saved by a good dolphin’s dorsal
A fin that took hold of him under his arm
And dragged him up to the surface so calm
That was a close one, the dolphin then said
A few moments more and you’d surely be dead
Henry then coughed and said, You’re so clever!
What’s your name? The dolphin said, Trevor
Trevor took Henry to an island nearby
And before he left, he waved a goodbye
Farewell and good luck, Clever Trevor had cried
As he disappeared with the turn of the tide
Henry waved back as he sat on the sand
Before he collapsed with his head in his hands.
On a small little island no more than a grotto
Henry ate gloop but dreamed of risotto
He wondered each day how he’d come to be
Stuck on an atoll surrounded by sea
Then early one morning, he had an idea
I should reconsider my choice of career
Henry shouted, now very excited
Being a pirate has meant I’ve been blighted
Picked on, ignored and generally hated
I just can’t believe all the time that I’ve wasted!
From this day forth, whatever I do
Will be well intended, courageous and true
And if that should mean that my pirating days
Are now all behind me, then I will say
I’m only glad that it wasn’t too late
For me to choose love, rather than hate
And just as his lips finished speaking the words
He heard the sound of a one legged bird
Leading a ship, straight to his beach
As the SS Kalinka came to rest with screech
Henry! cried Algie, as he fluttered down
I hope you don’t mind that we ran aground
Here on your island, me and the crew
But I found the ship and we’ve come get you
Captain Fantastic appeared in state
Hello Savage Henry! I’m sorry we’re late
The traffic was awful and we took a wrong turn
I misplaced my compass and got so concerned
That you might be thinking that you were rejected
Left by a creek in a shack and dejected
But Algie here found us and lead us right to you
For no one means more to us than you do
Henry smiled, catching tears in his eye
It took him a while to compose a reply
I’ll rejoin the ship but I’m no buccaneer
I think it’s time for a change of career
Captain Fantastic was betwixt and between
Henry! He said What on earth do you mean?
– I mean that it’s time that we made people happy
From elderly right down to babies in nappies
I get a feeling much more than a notion
We’d make people happy right here on the ocean
Just for a moment, there was such a silence
(Which, I must say, is quite rare for pirates)
Then it’s agreed, said Captain Fantastic
Stretching the moment out like old elastic
From this moment on, we’ll only do good
Be kind and polite like a good pirate should
We’ll sail the seas in search of adventures
Whilst funding ourselves selling second hand dentures
Henry said, Wait, and hear my proposition
Why don’t we decide to make it our mission
To take tourists out and sail them around
Before taking them back and setting them down?
So any one can know a life on the sea
And still make it home in time for their tea
From that day on, the Kalinka kept sailing
With hoards of tourists all gripping the railing
And the very first person to travel abroad
Was the old man who claimed he was bored
The old man and Henry both stood and the helm
As Henry recorded the whole thing on film
Manning the camera and making a movie
The old man cried out This means so much to me!
A smile on his face, his arms stretched out wide
Henry watched on and felt nothing but pride
He often took pictures of their many guests
Everyone thought it was what he did best
To think that his talent might have gone undiscovered
Had he not been abandoned and had he not recovered
And taken a chance, been brave and daring
Together with Algie, an unlikely pairing
They sailed and sailed in perpetual motion
Spending their days rolling over the ocean
Whatever the weather and whatever the climate
People loved Henry, the video pirate.