'THE MEANING OF EXISTENCE (AND OTHER SHORT STORIES)' is available for purchase! Just follow the link for an on-line shopping experience that will surely blow your mind.  Upon request, Stuart will sign your copy, either with his name or that of somebody else selected by you.  The book was launched on 28 November 2011 at the Wheeler Centre and is now orbiting the third sun of Jupiter.   In doing so, it has become the first collection of short stories to reach a major cellestial body since Max Walker's 'How to Puzzle a Python' was smuggled on board the Soyuz TM-4 Mir Space Station by one of the cosmonauts.  Also, the first chapter of Stuart's upcoming novel 'GOODSIR' is available in a newly released anthology.  It can be downloaded for free from Amazon by using the following address: http://www.amazon.com/Writing-Novel-Anthology-2012-ebook/dp/B009YNMPPW  Frankly, it would be cheap at half the price.

Come Back Hoges, All Is Forgiven

Oh dear. Tourism Australia has just unleashed a new advertising campaign on an unsuspecting world. Why these assaults are celebrated at functions with warm white wine and canapés when they should, in truth, be greeted by an emergency session of the United Nations Security Council remains something of a mystery.

Trip

Given that almost everyone seems to be taking, or about to take or have just taken annual leave, I thought I'd tell you about a trip my brother went on back in 1989.

The Beginner's Guide to Being Alone

‘I began to suspect that Justine didn’t feel about me the way I felt about her when the restraining order arrived. Maybe she needed time. Maybe she needed space. Not less than two hundred metres at any given point, as it happens.’

Savage Henry

The Blood Curdling Tale of Savage Henry.

 

Take and eye for and eye and a tooth for a tooth

And you’ll soon be blind and toothless, to boot

But if you’re a pirate, you’ll live by this code

In poem, in prose, in play or in ode

 

How I Betrayed Christmas

 

In my defence, Christmas is a time that is ripe for exploitation and I’m hardly alone in taking advantage of it. Indeed, it’s no secret that the Festive Season is prone to being milked for pretty much every drop of human kindness possible. It’s for that reason that we are subjected to a whole range of Christmas products. Besides, it could have been worse: it could have been a movie.

Pro Forma Rejection Letter

PRO FORMA RESPONSE LETTER

 

(insert date)

 

(insert name and address)

 

Dear (insert first name)/ Mr/s (insert surname) / (insert serial number),

 

Evil in the Eastern Suburbs

 

The glow of the television danced across their faces as Gordon tugged at the corner of his cardigan. He shimmied into position and straightened the glasses he wore when he wanted to see the TV properly. Enid had made herself a cup of tea and was dunking a Scotch Finger biscuit.

Calliope the Kung Fu Chicken

 

 

Standing about in a Kung Fu stance

With her white robe on and matching white pants

She may be quiet and she may be humble

But she’s always prepared and she’s ready to rumble

The rest of the chickens thought her suspicious

Break Dancer

Years and years ago, when the phenomenon that was 'break dancing' swept through Tyabb like a wild fire, my younger brother decided to take up lessons. In the interests of equity, I too was offered the opportunity to gain instruction in the gentle art of break dancing. However, even at that early age I knew that I was too shy to ever 'bust a move' in public so I declined.

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